Even though feminism has come a long way, women can still feel like it’s up to the man to take charge in the bedroom. However, your partner would be all too happy for you to initiate things, so why leave your sexual wellness up to him? Sexual health expert Charu Bahri shows you how to get yours.
1. Be Creative: According to Bahri, ‘Men are naturally more lively and imaginative where sex is concerned, and are drawn to women who are likewise. So, when we are in a relationship, the pressure mounts on us to express our sexuality. This means feeling confident to take the lead in our physical relationship, or initiating sex when we desire it, or knowing exactly what we want from it…If you do not express yourself and your desires, how will your man know what is going on in your mind before, during and after sex? He is not a mind-reader, after all! Nor as we know do men think like women. Since every woman has a different set of values and expectations from intimacy, he cannot resort to using a manual to know what you want from sex. So, given that a fulfilling sexual relationship is not created by default, it becomes all the more important for you to communicate with your partner.’
2. Express Your Needs: ‘Of course, the best way to effectively communicate is to know what your physical desires are,’ Bahri explains. ‘So, make an effort to learn more about your sexual desires. What pleases you? What moves make your body feel uncomfortable? Not only will this awareness accentuate you being an active sexual partner, but will help you to be comfortable with your body. Your being at ease with your inner feelings and sensations of your body helps you physically connect with your partner and experience sexual pleasure. Expressing your sexuality is by no means restricted to just sharing your likes, but also telling him what you don’t like. Most importantly, if a certain movement causes discomfort, don’t force yourself to go on. You will feel ill at ease. And every time your partner uses the same move, you will find your self withdrawing or numbing out during sex. Needless to say, you will stop enjoying sex, and your partner will sense your withdrawal and misunderstand it.’
3. Give Feedback: Bahri points out, ‘Talking is, of course, the most obvious form of communication. But in this respect too, we differ from men. Men don’t take hints, nor do they understand round about sentences. According to experts most men use report speaking style, while women tend to use rapport speaking. Report speaking is delivering information, often point-wise as if reading out from a list. Rapport speaking is about a meaningful conversation about the relationship, even if it includes sharing vague thoughts and ideas. The bottom line is that if you are sharing your needs verbally; tell your man exactly what you want. Eye contact and sounds [obviously expressed during sex] are other ways to communicate. Help him by giving him feedback when he gets it right, or worse, when he doesn’t. If you’re not comfortable talking in the bedroom, choose another location, perhaps during a walk or over a cup of coffee, to share your intimate thoughts.’
4. Share Your Fantasies: ‘A new location, timing or lighting in your bedroom may also stimulate your senses,’ Bahri suggests. ‘Sharing your sexual fantasies may open up new avenues too. Men love women who are assertive about what they want in bed. It’s important for you to accept that it is healthy for you to express your passion, fantasies and desires. Rest assured your man will like it. Fact is—the more you explore and innovate, the more you will discover each other. Intimacy is not something that should be done to you; it is a two-way lane. So don’t omit doing your bit to enrich your sex life.’