Sometimes, things just don’t work in the bedroom. She loves to take is slow and sensual, while you’re ready to go. Or maybe she’s a foot shorter than you. Whatever your mismatch situation, your sexual health and wellbeing can suffer – but that doesn’t mean you have to throw in the towel. Here’s how you can find a solution that works for both of you.
If her arousal is at a slow burn, but you’re raring to go, there are things you can do to make her feel more sexually amped. According to Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, sexual arousal ‘actually takes much less time than even women realise.’ The chances are that your lady is in the mood, so try to see if you can make her recognise it by reinforcing the idea. Haltzman advises telling her see that her nipples are hard and you feel she’s wet, as her brain will signal her body to feel that desire.
If you want a little more dirty talk in the bedroom, don’t assume she’s opposed to it just because she’s keeping quiet. Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York-based sex therapist and the author of Fearless Sex, explains, ‘A woman may not like to talk dirty because it takes her away from her body and sensations, but she might really like it if you talk dirty to her.’ Ask her what she wants you to do next, and ask her what she likes best about how it feels. Davidson says, ‘In the future, she’ll have those phrases on hand.’
You may get fed up with always making the first move, but you may not notice that any of her casual comments about sex—or anything about either your body or hers—are often subtle requests, says Haltzman. Also, Patti Britton, PhD, author of The Art of Sex Coaching, argues that women may subconsciously feel they need permission to take the lead. Try to casually hint that you’d wonder what it’d be like if she took the lead, and how you’d like to find out.
Finally, if there’s a significant height difference between the two of you, it’s time to get frisky on different furniture. If your partner is taller than you, try to lie on a small bench so that she can straddle you. Haltzman notes that this allows your partner to have her feet on the ground, ‘giving her leverage and flexibility.’ If you’re the taller one, Brian Zamboni, PhD, a sex therapist and clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota recommends, ‘try holding her up and pinning her against the wall.’