Your kids are often the culprits when it comes to your fragile mental health, but the funny thing is they hit you hardest when they’re no longer around. Whether your children go off to Uni, leave the country or move out to start a new job, Empty Nest Syndrome can have a huge impact on your wellbeing, as you can feel like they no longer need you, and that you no longer have an identity.
As a parent, your wellness is inextricably linked to your children. When they start their own lives, you can become derailed, especially if you’ve been staying at home and putting your own work and hobbies on hold in order to take care of them. You might think that mothers are more at risk to Empty Nest Syndrome than fathers, but actually studies conducted by Helen M DeVries, an associate professor of psychology at Wheaton College in the US, have shown that fathers are more affected by children leaving home as they are not prepared for it.
Preparation, then, is key, so what can you do to get ready? By reading this article, you’ve already begun, as you need to acknowledge that your child will not need you in the same way forever. This is difficult to accept as parents, but planning ahead can help you to cope. Think about the time when they will lead their own lives away from you, and make a list of all the things you will get to do when you finally get that time off. Remember, you are more than just a mum or dad; you are an individual with your own personality that existed long before you children arrived. Don’t wait for your kids to leave to get back to that – make sure you have your own activities, hobbies and friends now, as well as spending time as a couple.
So, are you or your partner showing the symptoms of empty nest syndrome?
1. Depression. This is the most common symptom of Empty Nest Syndrome, and is cause for concern if it lasts over a week. This may involve excessive crying, feeling withdrawn from your normal routines or friends, decreased energy, insomnia and a persistent sad mood.
2. Feeling useless. For parents who stay at home, it’s common to feel that there is now nothing for you to do, and you are superfluous.
3. Marital problems. When your kids are round, they’re the priority, which means that problems in your marriage may not surface until there’s just you and your partner left. Now you may find issues emerge, which you will need to focus on as a couple.
If you experience Empty Nest Syndrome, there are things you can do to get your wellbeing back on track. Start by seeking counselling from a professional. Not only does it help to have someone to talk to, but counsellors can help you to look at the situation in a positive way, and take positive steps as a couple to rebuild your lives. This may begin with keeping yourself busy, and reclaiming some of the activities and hobbies you used to love before your time became taken up by parenting. If nothing old springs to mind, try something new, creative and fulfilling to beat the empty nest blues.
Another important aspect of rebuilding your emotional health is to fill your lives with good friends, be they from relationships you may have ignored over the years, new relationships, or ones you just want to strengthen and grow even more. The house won’t feel so empty if you’re always inviting someone round for tea, or going out. While your children may not be here anymore, this doesn’t mean that they’re out of your lives forever. It’s not like the days when you left home; there is all kinds of technology to help you keep in touch with your kids, wherever they are. You might not want to be a burden, but your kids will actually appreciate the odd phone call or text – just try not to phone every day!