When something’s missing in the bedroom department, it can be difficult to admit there’s a problem, let alone find a way to fix it. If you’ve ever fantasised about a juicier sex life, or wanted to be closer to your partner, here are five tips to get things going between the sheets.
1. Do your own research: It’s just logical to assume you can’t tell your partner what works until you know yourself, so set aside some private time to explore your body and find out what gets you going. Regena Thomashauer, author of Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, points out ‘There’s a scene in the Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride where someone asks her what kind of eggs she likes, but she doesn’t know. When she dated a guy who liked scrambled eggs, she ate scrambled eggs. When he liked fried eggs, she ate hers fried. When he liked hard-boiled, she ate hard-boiled. In one scene, she finally lines them up and tastes them all, so she can make a decision, independent of any man. You can run this kind of experiment with your own body. Taste. Touch. Experiment. Discover.’
2. Own it: Even though fantasies can be wonderful for your sexual wellness, trying to be something you’re not can actually be damaging to your wellbeing – both in and out of the bedroom. If you’re a freak who likes to get wild but you’re afraid that your partner will be scared off, don’t be demure and quiet – own it! Likewise, if your partner wants you to dress up in a French maid’s outfit but you just don’t want to – own it! Sexual health is about more than orgasms and using protection, it’s also about discovering who you are and being your authentic self so that you can enhance your bedroom experience.
3. Put judgment aside: A lot of women are brought up to find pornography, vibrators and even fantasies to be wrong or gross, but if you do secretly enjoy it, embrace what turns you on. Allow yourself to feel desire for whatever makes you hot without letting your inner critic get in the way. You can still explore new things and be honest about your desires without losing your morality or values. Similarly, encourage your partner to explore his/her desires and be as open as you can without sacrificing your authenticity and integrity.
4. Actually make time for sex: If you make the time for doing the laundry and the washing up, you can equally make time for being intimate. It may feel like yet another thing on your to-do list, but sometime you don’t have the luxury of waiting for the perfect moment to arise when you’re both in the mood and free for some fun. Plus, scheduling – believe it or not – can be sexy, according to Laura Corn, author of the sexy, experiential how-to for planned seduction 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex, as you can send sexy texts throughout the day to get each other in the mood for the upcoming event.
5. Communicate openly: Lou Paget, author of How to Be a Great Lover, advises, ‘If you wish to give guidance during sex, limit your directions to just one word – left, up, harder, down. A sentence is often heard as criticism. A word is heard as direction. Use sounds as well. Make happy noises for what works. Speak up or withhold the happy noises when something isn’t working. If you feel comfortable, try masturbating in front of your partner to demonstrate what works for you. Even the world’s best athletes have coaches. They need someone who can show them and guide them. Don’t practice psychic sex, thinking your partner should know what you want. It’s crazy-making. Communicate what you need.’