While you want a partner who knows you better than you know yourself, that may not necessarily ring true when it comes to bedroom activities. A lot of women find the most efficient way to find pleasure is to take their sexual health and wellness into their own hands, sometimes literally. That’s not to say anything negative your partner’s efforts. Rather, self-pleasure is an important part of your sexual and overall wellbeing.
According to sexuality educator Charlie Glickman, PhD, masturbation ‘lets you take control of your satisfaction. It also gives you room to try new things without stressing about a partner’s expectations.’ Plus, a little self-pleasure can help you release stress, nod off to sleep more easily and just have a plain old-fashioned good time (as if you needed convincing). Whether you’re too afraid to entertain the idea of self-pleasure, or you know the ins and outs of your lady parts like the back of your hand, your sex life with yourself, like with any long-term partner, always has room for improvement.
1. Put away your vibrator: Before you hurl your battery-powered phalluses at me in anger and confusion, I’m not saying you have to put away your vibrator forever – just for a few minutes. In order to improve your self-loving skills, the best place to start is the mind. Sex coach Amy Levine, founder of IgniteYourPleasure.com, simply gives the advice ‘Seduce yourself.’ With a little pampering, such as playing some soft music and lighting a few candles, you’ll be ready for an evening of passion all by yourself. Timaree Schmit, PhD, recommends that you ‘Envision a situation that turns you on, and let it fully develop. Never judge yourself or say you should be thinking about something or someone differently. There’s no so-called thought police.’
2. Focus on your body: Once you’re all turned-on and ready to go, turn your focus to your body. Levine suggests starting with a slow, full-body self-massage. Instead of going straight to the one or two spots that send you over the edge, a full massage helps you to discover untapped sources of pleasure – such as your neck, the back of your knees, your thighs, and your perineum, which is the stretch of skin between your vagina and anal opening.
3. Mix things up: When you’ve discovered every inch of yourself, you might find yourself falling into your tried-and-tested, albeit time-worn, getting-off pattern. However, Levine points out that switching things up can be far more rewarding – variety is the spice of (sex) life, after all. If you’re used to masturbating when on your back, try another position like on all fours, sitting in a comfortable chair, standing, bent over a table or the bed, or kneeling as if you’re straddling your partner. By masturbating the same way every time, you might have more difficulty getting off when you’re with a partner.
4. Say Ohm: Taking a yoga class is a well-known livener in the bedroom, but this is also the case when by yourself – especially if you get down to business as soon as you arrive home from a class. Levine explains, ‘The breath work and the flow of the poses allow us to be in the moment and out of our head.’ Therefore, instead of thinking of your irritating co-workers or your increasingly empty bank account, you can just be in the moment and enjoy.
5. Try a new vibrator: See, I told you it’d be back, Glickman advises, ‘Look for something that has a curve. Stronger vibrations, or ridges or bumps, often help too.’ A waterproof vibrator gives you the option of fun in the tub and, once you get there, Glickman provides top tips for making the most of your new best friend: ‘Try to find an area the size of a dime or a nickel that feels raised, or ridged, or firmer than the tissue around it. It’s often easier to find when you’re turned on, because it swells.’