The problem with female sexual health and wellness is that even the smallest thing can set you off course. As Nicole Beland, author of Sex, The Whole Picture: The Ultimate How-To for Lovers, details, ‘When I’m this close to orgasm—eyes squeezed shut, lips twisted in a Billy Idol sneer, cheeks glowing—the most descriptive word wouldn’t be “passionate” or “erotic.” It would be “determined.” Because right then, at the edges of my fading consciousness, I’m worried that the phone will ring, my knees will lose their traction on the sheets, or my boyfriend will change position, and suddenly I’ll be sliding away from that elusive peak instead of moving toward it. For the 75% of women who don’t always reach orgasm during intercourse, this happens all the time.’
What you need is a fuse blower, or a last shot of stimulation to send you over the edge. According to sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First, ‘Calling it a fuse blower is pretty appropriate. Recent studies show that in order for a woman to achieve orgasm, the part of her brain associated with stress, emotion, and anxiety has to shut down.’ If your partner is able to do something that makes you feel so good that you relax and let go, it’s very likely that you will reach that all-important climax. So, take a look at Beland’s list of orgasm triggers, share them with your partner, and get him to try one out once you reach the point at which you’re sweaty and breathing fast.
1. The Double Grip: ‘Despite all the attention her booty may attract when she’s walking down the street in tight jeans or bending over a file cabinet, a woman’s butt is too often sidelined during sex,’ says Beland. ‘And that’s why grabbing both of her cheeks when she’s on top may be just the unexpected turn-on a girl needs to get off.’ New York sex therapist Gilda Carle, PhD, explains, ‘The buttocks are packed with nerve endings. To give her a surprising jolt of pleasure, spread your fingers wide and squeeze both buttocks firmly.’ However, before you give your partner a good spanking, just make sure you have a conversation about it first!
2. The Up Shift: Beland provides the following tip courtesy of her friend Rachel: ‘When a guy is on top of you in the missionary position, have him shift his body slightly forward so that, every time he thrusts, his penis rubs against your clitoris.’ However, you can make this tactic even more orgasmic if your legs are together and your man is straddling you. Ellen Friedrichs, MA, an adjunct professor of human sexuality at RutgersUniversity, notes that this variation ‘increases clitoral stimulation.’ Or, if he’s on top, get your partner to prop himself up on his elbows so that his abdomen is in closer contact with your sweet spot.
3. The Ultimate: If in doubt, try foreplay, recommends Kerner: ‘Going down on a woman allows [men] to get a real sense of the stimulation she likes at every stage of arousal, especially the final one.’ Getting off when he’s going down also eliminates any performance anxiety you might have during intercourse, so you can potentially get more bang for your buck (pun intended). To get the experience you need, have your partner take note of Beland’s instructions. ‘Learn what she likes,’ she asserts. ‘Get between her legs and give her a solid base of lips, tongue, gums, and even chin to rub against. At first, use your hands to guide her hips to let her know you want her to do the grinding. When she takes over, note how hard she’s pushing and in what direction. Use that information later when using your fingers or giving her a more aggressive tongue bath.’