Have you ever written into a newspaper or magazine with a relationship or sexual health problem? Not only do you learn a lot from writing in or reading other people’s wellness dilemmas; you learn from answering them! We’ve spoken to three agony aunts and uncles, who shared what they have learnt from giving out advice.
1. Rupert Smith: According to the author of several books, including Man’s World, Grim and The Hardest Thing, ‘I’ve always assumed people writing in to a newspaper want advice, not sympathy. They don’t write unless they’re really stuck and, to an outsider, the reasons are blindingly obvious. If I’m having trouble, I don’t want someone saying: “There there, dear.” I want help. As a middle-aged gay man who reached adulthood at a time when my sexuality and aspirations were illegal or stigmatised, I’ve had to stand up for what I wanted and wait for the rest of the world to catch up. One of the common problems we get concerns people who are afraid of what their family will think of their relationships for religious or cultural reasons. I always say one of the hallmarks of becoming an adult is telling your parents you’re going to make your own decisions; if you spend your life soliciting their approval, you’re still a child. So what if your beloved is from the wrong faith group, class or ethnicity? You don’t get many shots at happiness, so don’t let prejudice screw it up.’
Smith adds, ‘The other big worry is a lack of sex: one partner wants it, the other doesn’t. One ends up feeling frustrated and bitter, the other threatened and harassed. Should the frustrated one play away and jeopardise the relationship? Should the other lie there and take it, hating every minute? It’s easy to say: “Talk to each other. Reach a compromise.” But in practice, this is hard. I totally understand people who look elsewhere for sex: it’s horrible if you’re being ignored and shut out. Most problems can be dealt with via a bit of advice from someone who’s been round the block. But sometimes we get letters from people with serious mental problems. I want to march round to their houses and rush them to the nearest A&E and stay with them until they’ve got the help they need. It’s inappropriate to be glib or funny in these cases and I worry about the ones that might fall through the net.’
2. Dr Cecilia d’Felice: ‘What I have learned about human behaviour is that it’s enacted so unconsciously, we often don’t even notice what is really happening in our lives until after it has been staring us in the face,’ says the author of 21 Days To A New You. ‘The stories are always of the same epic motifs: love that’s found, lost, stolen, abandoned, unfulfilled and misunderstood. All these issues reflect hidden feelings that come down to the fact many of us believe we are not truly and unconditionally lovable…None of us set out to generate conflict but until we understand the true nature of love – which can only ever be real love if it is unconditional – and until we understand why the ego is afraid to give that love unconditionally, then conflict we shall have.’
3. James McConnachie: ‘I’ll never forget Ms Pony Play,’ the author of Sex recalls. ‘I know a few things about human sexuality, thanks to my books, but I had to look up that fetish. She wanted to groom and ride her boyfriend. Maybe use a bridle. He wasn’t keen…Often, it’s women writing in. Many tell us “my partner does this…” and then ask “…and is that OK?” My answer, typically, is “no!” It comes better from a man, I think. Porn is often the problem. Many women are deeply upset by their partner’s use of it – and by his refusal to see why it’s a problem. My thoughts on porn have provoked some cross comments. I’ve said porn often objectifies, degrades and mistreats women, and I’ve warned it’s addictive. A man who eats free-range eggs and watches pornography, I’ve gently suggested, is a hypocrite. I’ve even argued a man who secretly uses porn is cheating on his partner.’