Can not having sex be a good step to take on your journey to sexual health? Surely, it’s better for your wellness to have “a healthy sex life?” We’ve spoken to three sexperts – some of whom extol the virtues of abstinence – to find out how giving up sex, albeit temporarily, can affect your wellbeing.
1. 12 Years Celibate: Sophie Fontanel embarked on a period of self-imposed celibacy after years of being ‘taken and shaken’ made her decide she was ‘through with being had’. She’s now written a book on the subject, The Art Of Sleeping Alone: Why One French Woman Gave Up Sex, as she found the experience to be almost instantly beneficial. ‘My backbone was much straighter and my friends asked me if I was in love,’ she recalls. ‘They could have had my life, but they were afraid of my solitude because it could have been theirs. Sometimes you are alone even when you are married.’
Fontanel instead put her energy into travelling, socialising and work. She notes, ‘It was never meant to be 12 years. Suddenly one year passed, then another.’ At the end of her book, she meets a man, a friend’s brother, who found the 50-year-old writer – and her journey – fascinating. Fontanel enthuses ‘Young, beautiful girls complain about being single but they are alone because their dreams are better than reality. They are free.’
2. 18 Months Without Sex: If 12 years sounds a little difficult, why not take a leaf out of Audrey Bellis’ book and give up sex for 18 months? The 27-year-old marketing executive comments, ‘“You must masturbate a lot.” That was pretty much everyone’s response when I announced my year of celibacy and no dating. Following a miserable broken engagement, I did what most people do to numb their feelings: I drank too much gin and tonic, I dated men I didn’t really like and I had drunken, empty sex. Each time would be filled with regret.’ So Bellis decided to give up men for a while, but how did she manage it?
‘It was hard at first,’ Bellis admits. ‘It was all I could think about, much the way a dieter fantasises over chocolate. But it got easier. I found strength in resisting rather than giving into temptation. I noticed men wanted me more – the idea of being the one who might make me give it up tantalised their alpha egos. I eventually abstained for 18 months, during which time I rebuilt my confidence. I oozed my own kind of sexual appeal. Satisfaction came not from orgasm but from total physical control. I began to explore yoga and dabbled in meditation…Eventually, I craved physical contact again and I met a guy who I was genuinely attracted to on all levels…I no longer have sex simply to feel desirable but my 18 months without it gave me the foundation of my sex appeal today.’
3. Yes, Yes, Yes: Agony uncle James McConnachie counters, ‘Sex is like a diet: it’s driven by appetite, and different regimes work best for different people. Some of us thrive on shovel-loads of late-night carbs, others go for light protein and fruit snacks, others still are chocolate guzzlers. Similarly, some people like lots of masturbation and partner sex every other Sunday, others insist on sex with love only, and a few s**g themselves silly at every opportunity. Unless you’re asexual, meaning you never want sex, celibacy is a problem for the same reason that diets are a problem: you’re taking a natural pleasure and rewarding yourself emotionally if you defeat it…If I was recommending a sex diet to anyone, I’d say listen to your body and your mind. Find your own balance of health and pleasure. However, be open to change. And say no to other people’s rules and restrictions.’