Your attitude towards sex is a very personal thing that has an impact on your overall wellbeing, but where does that attitude come from? Your teenage years are more formative than you realise, and so if you felt guilt or embarrassment towards your sexuality during this time, you may have carried a bit of that with you into adulthood.
In the “What’s Happening to My Body” Book for Girls, by Area Madaras, Lynda Madaras, and Simon Sullivan, Frances, Age 16, wrote, ‘If I just kiss a boy good night I feel so ashamed, not while I’m kissing but afterward. I know it’s not normal to feel so guilty, yet I do. How can I get over feeling so guilty?’ Madaras, Madaras and Sullivan explain, ‘This girl felt guilty and ashamed simply for kissing a boy good night. And judging from the letters we get, she’s not alone. Some kids feel guilty even though they haven’t actually done anything at all. For example, some girls have told us that they felt not just shy or embarrassed but also ashamed of the fact that they’ve gotten their periods.’ But why are girls so embarrassed or ashamed by such a natural part of life?
‘Kids may feel ashamed or guilty about their sexuality even though they haven’t done anything harmful,’ Madaras, Madaras and Sullivan note. ‘If so, they may find it helpful to think about why they feel this way. Often it’s because some important person (often a parent) or group (maybe a religion) has taught them to feel this way. At one time many people in our society had very negative attitudes about sexuality. In your great-grandparents’ day, sexual thoughts and feelings were often considered evil, the work of the devil. Sexual desires were considered impure or unclean, especially in women. Women who felt sexual urges or who enjoyed sex were considered abnormal or perverted. Many people felt it was sinful even for married people to have sex, unless they were trying to have a child.’
Even though times have changed somewhat and most people are more positive towards sexuality, it’s hard to escape your childhood. ‘Today, most people in our society have more positive attitudes about sexuality,’ assert Madaras, Madaras and Sullivan. ‘Still, many people continue to have negative, or at least somewhat negative, attitudes about sexuality. Parents who have these attitudes may pass them on to their children. Even though parents may not actually come out and say “Sexuality is bad,” they may pass these attitudes on in other ways. A parent might, for instance, get upset when a little baby touches his or her sex organs and move the baby’s hands away or even slap them. This may give the baby the idea that sex organs are nasty or dirty and that it’s wrong or bad to touch them. When that baby grows up, he or she may feel ashamed about menstruation or wet dreams or may feel guilty about masturbating.’
Madaras, Madaras and Sullivan conclude, ‘When you think about it this way, it’s really not surprising that some kids feel unnecessary guilt about their sexuality. They feel guilty even though they haven’t actually done anything that is harmful to themselves or others. It can be very difficult for these young people to let go of their feelings. But being aware of where these feelings come from can help. People can and do learn to work past their guilt.’ Perhaps understanding the source of these feelings can help you realise how silly they are. Shushann Movsessian, author of Puberty Girl, points out, ‘Most of the bad stuff [‘old medical and religious writings on menstruation’] was written by men, and guess what? Men don’t have periods. Maybe that’s why they were so freaked out about it and how to put it down because it seemed strange, not normal, and even scary to them; if they didn’t get it, they must not be normal.’