When your man underperforms in the bedroom, you can be left wondering what to do. According to sexual health and wellness writer Holly C. Corbett, Talking about his bedroom problems can be incredibly awkward, but for the sake of your relationship—and for maximum personal pleasure—it’s worth it…Working through these situations will help you turn a mortifying moment into a mind-blowing sex life.’ So which of his little issues are impacting your sexual wellbeing, and how do you fix them?
1. He Comes Too Soon: Sex therapist Bill Bercaw, co-author of the upcoming From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy, explains, ‘His fear of coming too soon causes him to clench his pelvic muscles, which accelerates him toward the point of no return. The key to getting more in sync is to help him learn how to relax…Try experimenting with different positions to find the ones that make him last longer. Female on top is great for women because there’s direct clitoral stimulation, which most women need to orgasm, and you get to control the thrusting.’ Corbett adds, ‘Press pause on the thrusting action when he’s nearing his peak to give him a break as he keeps stimulating you with his fingers or tongue. Then start up again and keep pausing intercourse until you both are ready to finish. Not only will this help sex last longer, it will also help him develop more control over his ejaculatory response.’
2. His Size Kind of Does Matter: Corbett points out, ‘The average erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.8 inches long. If your guy comes up a little short, try doing it doggie style: It will make you feel fuller because his penis will be hitting your G-spot, and he can also stimulate your clitoris with his hand to help you get there.’ Ginger Bercaw, wife of Bill and the other co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom, suggests, ‘On your end, the vagina is a muscle that can be tightened to help increase your arousal, so try strengthening your pelvic floor by doing kegels.’
3. He Can’t Get (or Keep) It Up: ‘Many women feel inadequate or rejected when their man can’t get it up, but his erection or lack thereof is not about you,’ says Bill. ‘Tell him what you want him to do with you that does not require an erection. This demonstrates that having a satisfying sex life is not solely dependent on his erection, which could help shift his focus away from what his penis is doing.’
4. He Suffers Low Libido: Ginger asserts, ‘The best kept sex secret in America is male low desire. Women are ashamed to talk about it because they feel inadequate, and men also feel ashamed out of fear that they’re not keeping up with their lover’s expectations. Many of us think we shouldn’t have to talk about sex because we want it to work naturally, but talking about it is the only way to improve your sex life. Tell him you love making love to him and want to find a number or a range that you both can agree upon. Flexibility is key, so say you’re shooting for two to three times a week, with the lower number being the minimum of what you’re okay with and the max number being an excellent week.’
5. You’re Uncomfortable with His Sex Fantasy: Corbett comments, ‘Few things are more awkward than when your guy makes like Adam from HBO’s Girls and asks you to do kinky things, like pretending to be an underage girl. If he springs an idea that feels degrading or makes you uncomfortable, wait a second…Talking about fantasies before playing them out is key. Because it’s a risk to share what’s going on inside your head, that shared vulnerability can bring you closer. Of course talking doesn’t mean you have to play out the fantasy, but you may consider meeting in the middle.’