An unplanned pregnancy can really impact your mental health – but what about your partner? Chaunie Brusie wrote a book on how an unplanned pregnancy affected her wellness – Tiny Blue Lines: Reclaiming Your Life, Preparing For Your Baby, and Moving Forward in Faith in an Unplanned Pregnancy – but then realised she never stopped to ask her husband how he felt during that time. So, let’s take a look at how an unplanned pregnancy affects dads-to-be.
1. The Guilt: According to Brusie, ‘One of the first things he mentioned about the pregnancy was the overwhelming guilt he felt. “I felt so guilty,” my husband shared. “Like I ruined your life.” I was floored when he revealed that. Would you believe that I never even once considered that he was feeling badly? Of course, I assumed he felt a little guilty when he had to face my dad for the first time, but I didn’t consider that he struggled with feeling like he was the source of so much unhappiness and fear for me.’
2. Happiness: Brusie recalls, ‘“I’m probably not a typical guy in this regard,” he said. “But I always wanted a family.” You have to understand that one of the biggest issues in a relationship when you and your partner experience an unplanned pregnancy is that you have to be very clear about why you are staying in the relationship and raising a child together, if that’s what you choose to do. In the back of your head, one (or both) of you will wonder if you would have stayed together had a child not been in the picture, and the last thing you want is those seeds of doubt planted early.’
3. Increased Demands: Brusie details, ‘“Things can [be] a little more needy in the relationship with pregnancy,” my husband related. And when I started glaring at him, he was quick to explain. “It’s not worse or a bad thing, but it’s just more,” he said. “Like if you’re feeling sick or you need to rest because the baby is killing your hips, we make it happen.” Ok, I’ll give him that one. Men, be prepared for more needs from your partner, but take my husband’s word that those aren’t always bad needs!’
4. Less Talking, More Action: ‘Unfortunately, he’s not taking any marital action here,’ says Brusie. ‘With this one, my husband meant that a pregnancy, especially an unplanned one, moves a couple past the dating days of staring into each other’s eyes and talking endlessly about love and their “relationship” into one of action. The pure, simple, yet incredibly complicated action of loving another person.’
5. Less of a Guessing Game: ‘Apparently, my husband found our fast track into parenthood a relief,’ Brusie comments. ‘He claims that through the pregnancy and my subsequent journey into motherhood, I became easier to please. Which was news to me, in that I was so hard to please before the pregnancy. Regardless, he said that the pregnancy forced us to be more open about our needs as individuals and a couple, without any of the “guess what will make me happy” game that was part of our early relationship.’
6. Slapping on the Paint: Brusie adds, ‘To finish up his deep insight into how unplanned pregnancy affected him as my partner in crime, my husband offered up this painting/relationship analogy: “If our relationship was a painting, the beginning was like painting a masterpiece, with all different colours and attention to detail. Now? It’s like painting a house. It’s all the same colour, and it’s fast as you can get the job done with the biggest roller you can find.” I’m really not sure how to take that analogy. But it sounds to me like he’s definitely calling me big as a house…’