When a couple’s sexual health and wellbeing dwindles, the assumption is that the woman has instigated the end of intimacy. However, the split is more 50/50 than you might think. According to Bob Berkowitz, PhD, and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, MA, co-authors of When Men Stop Having Sex, and What Women Are Doing About It, though, the reason why a woman stops wanting more sex is very complicated: ‘When we were doing the research, we were surprised that many men took the time to write to us that they were, indeed, in sexless marriages, but it was their wives who rejected intimacy, not them. These men seemed as confused, hurt and rejected as their female counterparts. They asked us why this was happening, and what they could do to bring passion back to their marriage. So many men wrote to us that we decided to research the issue from the female perspective.’
Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz comment, ‘If a person in a committed relationship has a low libido, but it isn’t causing unhappiness to either or both, it isn’t HSDD and it isn’t a problem. This is an obvious, but important, point. If two people are happily married, but sex just isn’t all that important to either of them anymore (or never was to begin with) they have no issue.’ However, the case is usually that one person wants it, while the other has given up on sex. So let’s take a look at some of the reasons why women start turning it down:
1. They Don’t Know: ‘Some women are telling us they just don’t know why,’ Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz admit. ‘They are confused, and would like to wish their libido a safe and fast return home. Others are more specific, stating painful intercourse, anger and depression as primary reasons for their lack of libido. A few say they just had a baby, or that they want to be absolutely certain they don’t get pregnant.’
2. Pain During Sex: Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz explain, ‘Here’s an equation: Pain during intercourse is, to many women, what erectile dysfunction is to many men. They are embarrassed to talk about it with their partner, and choose instead to suffer in silence and just stop having sex. (After all, who would want to have sex if it hurts a lot?) And like ED, it has many causatives – some physiological, others psychogenic; some relatively easy to cure with very low-dosage hormonal replacement therapy, others more difficult, but still very possible, to cure with therapy.’
3. Depression and Treatments: ‘Depression is another major cause of low libido in women, and, ironically, so are many antidepressants,’ Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz note. ‘SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) not only lower libido, they may also temporarily take away the ability to feel romantic love.’
4. Anger and Frustration: ‘Many women are angry,’ Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz point out. ‘They think their husbands should do more around the house, or more with the kids. They suspect their husband is having an affair, or maybe found out that he did have an affair many years ago, and can’t get past the hurt. Some say their guy has gained a lot of weight, and, frankly, could dress a little bit spiffier when they’re home alone. In other words, he doesn’t turn them on anymore. Or, they claim they are tired of being ignored, and feel that watching a ballgame has become more important than conversation, or just about anything else. All of this resentment builds, until any desire to be close is gone. The beginning of the end starts when sex is withheld as punishment for everything perceived of as being wrong.’
5. Boredom: Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz assert, ‘Some [women] are just plain bored. They only want to have sex if it’s worth having. Otherwise, as one woman told us, “He can keep it!”’