You might not think your man has many thoughts going through his head during sex – besides “This is awesome!” – But it turns out that his mind is racing just as much as yours. According to sexual health and wellness expert Clint Carter, ‘In the presence of a naked woman, a man’s mind becomes pretty predictable.’ So here are the eight thoughts that have probably occurred to your guy at least once while in bed:
1. Um, Was that an Orgasm?: ‘When men orgasm, you know it,’ notes Carter. ‘It’s a whole thing. To leave no doubt, we collapse as if we just ran a marathon. So you can understand our confusion when, after you orgasm, you just keep on going like you’re the freakin’ Duracell bunny. Should we keep going? Should we wrap it up? WHAT DO WE DO?!’
2. Damn! I Forgot to Shower: Carter comments, ‘Let me take this moment to apologise to every woman who’s ever caught a whiff of musky body odour during sex. We planned to rinse off an hour ago, but we were probably too tired or lazy at the time, and then we got distracted by the prospect of sex. We’re not proud of it.’
3. These are Perfect: ‘From a man’s perspective, the best breasts in the world are those that have recently been exposed solely for his enjoyment,’ Carter asserts. ‘If you happen to possess those breasts, just know that we’re thoroughly impressed.’
4. I Should Log This Away: Carter points out, ‘Sometimes you’re not available when we’re in the mood and we have to go it solo. For those moments, it pays to have fond memories of your naked body to guide us.’
5. Time to Start Singing: Carter recalls, ‘When I was younger, a friend told me that by playing the Take Me Out to the Ballgame song inside my head, I could fight off an impending climax. And no joke, it worked. The song is so unsexy that it totally kills the orgasm reflex and allows the sex to continue. I doubt every guy sings this song in particular, but you can bet he has some non-sexy thought that he uses to consciously fend off a big O.’
6. Play it Cool: ‘You know that scene in Ghost when Patrick Swayze is seducing Demi Moore over a pottery wheel?’ asks Carter. ‘The guy doesn’t make a single wrong move! He navigates some pretty precarious territory with that wet clay and then manages to successfully move the action to the bed without doing anything clumsy. You don’t see him rolling on his back trying pull his socks off, or struggling with the finicky little clasp on the back of her bra. He’s smooth from the first scene to the last, and that’s what all us guys are shooting for. We want you to think we’re totally in charge, even when we’re not.’
7. Keep it Up: Carter admits, ‘Occasionally, things go very wrong and a guy’s flagpole doesn’t seem to want to raise higher than half mast. Stress and booze are the common culprits, but whatever the reason, it sucks to disappoint you. In these situations, letting us know your feelings aren’t hurt can go a long way, and you can bet we’ll bounce back hard the next time—no pun intended.’
8. I Wonder if She’d be Cool if I Tried…: ‘Every guy has his own bag of tricks,’ says Carter. ‘Some we’ve tried and others we’ve just thought about. Maybe your guy’s fighting the urge to playfully slap your ass or bite your nipple. Or maybe he wishes he could finish somewhere a little, um, out of the box, but he isn’t sure if that’s even a thing that normal people do. So he doesn’t do it. Bottom line: If you’re up for trying something new in bed, let him know. The experimentation can go as far as you want to take it.’