Faking an orgasm is no new thing, but according to sexual health and wellness expert Anna Davies, your opinion on it has suddenly become all-important. ‘Your opinion on faking it has become one more issue that says something about whether or not you’re a feminist,’ says Davies. ‘Do it, and you’re pandering to the patriarchy. Hold out, and you’re wondering if you’re missing out—instead of following the action with a low-key cuddle session, you end up feeling both physical and emotional friction from the guy who just wants to get you off, even if all signals from your body show it’s nowhere near happening.’ So the question is, then: should you fake an orgasm?
Davies notes, ‘Recently, The Journal of Sex Research published a study that found that men do take it personally when women don’t orgasm. Of course, a study wasn’t necessary, all the researchers really needed to do was ask any woman who’s been in a situation where an orgasm hasn’t happened. As a woman who doesn’t orgasm easily I spent most of my twenties faking it. I didn’t fake it because I was actively denying myself pleasure, I faked it because I didn’t want to get into a whole post-sex moratorium, discussing what worked and what didn’t when I didn’t even know myself. My brain was always on board, loving every second of whatever we ended up doing, but it felt like my body took longer to get up to speed…I’d let my moans get louder, I’d watch his face light up in anticipation, and even though I knew I needed to be honest, I always ended up faking it. Not for him. But for me. Because pretending was so much easier than not knowing whether it was going to happen.’
Sex educator Emily Morse, host of the podcast Sex With Emily, points out, ‘Female sexuality has always been a feminist issue in the sense that women have been socialized to fear their sexuality. Many women learn to deny their own amazing capacity for sexual pleasure.’ I always say communication is lubrication. If women don’t communicate what they need, even if it’s simply to take a break for awhile, then how will guys know what to do? Most men are walking around thinking that every woman they’ve ever slept with has experienced mind-blowing orgasms. Just ask them. I’ve done it on my podcast, then had to break the news that half of those women were probably faking it.’
However, Davies asserts, ‘At least in my experience, I think the communication issue has less to do with how comfortable we feel talking to the men in our lives (and our beds) and more to do with how we feel being honest with ourselves. After all, speaking for my circle of friends, we do occasionally find ourselves hooking up with men who, for one reason or another, we’re not that attracted to. We sometimes want to put on a show and prove to a guy we’re even better than any actress in a porn movie. We sometimes want to cut through the sex and get straight to the cuddling. In other words, we’re as complicated as our anatomy, and our orgasm is connected to how we feel about our dates, our bodies…ourselves. And while it’s easy to tell a guy that you want to try a vibrator or need him to move and keep his fingers right there until further notice, it’s not so easy to admit that we’re still trying to figure out the way we’re wired.’