With little ones, it’s always best to talk to them when there is time and space to do so. Your little one being hard on herself is a serious topic that shouldn’t be broached when you’re running late or you’re surrounded by people and activities, and it should never be brought up in an argument. Start by saying ‘Sweetie, I can see that you are being really hard on yourself about … (how your hair looks, that you didn’t get invited to the party etc.)’ If she replies with an absolute like ‘I always…’ or ‘I never…’, this is a tell tale sign that she is developing a lie about herself. Absolutes should never be a part of any discussion (which is a good tips for discussions or arguments with anyone) as nothing ever happens ‘all the time’.
Try telling your child that the voice in your head that tells you things like that is your inner mean girl or mean boy. Say that it’s just a voice that compares and criticises you, but it’s fun to give them a name. Tell him ‘I call mine Crazy Cleo because she tells me mean things all the time and drives me crazy!’ Your child will like to know that you feel the same as he does, so tell him some of (authentic and age-appropriate) things your inner voice tells you before you ask him what his says. Don’t try to fix it or deny it, just be there for him and say ‘Ouch! Wow your Inner Mean Boy is so mean! What do you want to name him?’
When your child has given the mean boy/girl a name, tell her that both of your mean girls are big fat liars, and tell lies to make you feel small. Tell her that you also have a voice of inner wisdom, and you can close your eyes to connect to it and it will tell you the truth. You might like to name that too, and when your child gets worried in the future, and it’s appropriate, you can tell her that it’s just ‘Crazy Cleo’ again, and she should close her eyes and really think whether or not the voice is making any sense.