Communication is a major part of any relationship, even when it comes to rekindling romance. You may not want to admit to your partner that the spark is dwindling, but communicating about it is the first step towards getting your relationship wellness back on track. If all you want is a kiss and a cuddle, but he takes this as a sign of something more, you need to be able to talk about this without hurting your partner’s feelings.
According to family wellness experts Ruth K. Westheimer and Pierre A. Lehu, co-authors of Rekindling Romance For Dummies, ‘One of the most widespread forms of miscommunication between men and women stems from the fact that too many people, especially men, equate sex with romance. They believe that if their sex life is adequate, then there’s no need for anything beyond this one arena. Tied to this is the notion that romantic activity outside the bedroom is automatically a lead-in to sexual activity. And by the way, this is a double-edged sword. Many people think of kissing and hugging as preludes to sex. As a result, when they aren’t in the mood, they don’t want to snuggle because they assume that it will lead to sex…So the first batch of people may avoid physical contact if it’s not attached to sex, and the second group may avoid physical contact because they fear that it will lead to sex at the wrong time. Either way, the partner who is looking for some physical contact that is not sex-related gets left hugging her knees.’
Westheimer and Lehu point out, ‘Communication is vital in this arena. The partner who wants romantic touching has to explain that she would like some more physical contact that is not linked to sex. She has to explain to her partner that just the way a car needs oil to keep the engine running smoothly, she needs some hugs, kisses, and hand-holding in order to keep her spirits going. The onus isn’t all on men, however. Some women crave romance but purposefully shut down their libidos once they get their fix because they’re a bit busy or preoccupied. They are satisfied by the hugs and kisses, but they don’t consider what will satisfy their partners. Although romantic interludes don’t have to lead to sex, if they’re heading in that direction, veering off the path every time is not a fair way to treat a man. If women allow themselves to become more aroused, they usually do enjoy having sex and have orgasms.’
So how can you, as a couple, find a way to introduce more sex-less touching – and better sex – into your lives?
1. Decode Confusing Signals: ‘You may think that two people who are part of a long-standing couple should know enough about each other to be able to judge when they are going to have sex and when they’re not, yet they often act like a couple on their first date,’ Westheimer and Lehu explain. ‘He’s on first base wondering if he’ll get to second. What’s the answer? Improved communication. You have to be able to share your sensitivities with your partner without hurting his or her feelings. If a woman notices that her partner has an erection, she has to be able to tell him that she’s not in the mood without him getting upset. And if she decides that she is in the mood and they do have sex, the next time they hug, he can’t assume that it’s going to happen again…Avoid setting fixed patterns. Each party needs to show flexibility.’
2. Improve Conversational Content: Westheimer and Lehu point out, ‘If all you do is talk about such superficial matters as the weather, the children’s science fair project, and what to defrost for dinner, then your relationship is going to be rather superficial as well…Meaningful communications don’t have to only be about personal crises. Endless talk of problems will turn off a partner, no matter how sympathetic he or she is. Rather, what is “meaningful” is what stimulates the intellect…There should be areas of discussion that allow you to learn more about your partner as you exchange ideas.’