When divorce is inevitable, thoughts naturally turn to the children. Who will they live with? What school will they go to? Making sure that it’s easier on the children may be on the top of your mind, but knowing how to protect the kid and shield them from the pain can be more difficult. Here are ten steps you can take to help make the kids more comfortable during this time.
Try to Tell them Together
If possible, tell the kids about the divorce together. Don’t blame each other, and don’t apologize for the change. Tell your ids that you’ve decided it will be better for everyone in the long run. This simple act can help your child understand that he or she is not at fault.
Consistency is Key
It’s important to be consistent with the current schedule, both from one day to the next and between households. Kids like structure, and keeping things the same as much as possible will help your children.
Show Your Love
You may tell your kids you love them, but they need to see it now, too. Give them extra hugs because this is a time of great uncertainty. They’re going to try to blame themselves, and reassurance that they’re still loved and cherished can go a long way.
Maintain the Role as Caregiver
Children want to take help out their parents when they can, and it’s easy for a depressed mother or father to fall into the role of dependent on an emotional level. Don’t allow this to happen. Continue to be the caregiver so that your child won’t take on extra stress.
Find a Support Group
Your child is not, and never should be, your support system. When your ex-spouse makes you angry or does something unreasonable, do not take it up with your son or daughter. Instead, call your friends or your therapist to vent.
Watch the Trash Talk
You may be able to separate your identity from your former spouse, but your children cannot. They are made of equal parts from both of you. When you tear your ex-partner down in front of the children, you are harming the kids. Even if what you’re saying is true, you still aren’t helping the kids by saying it to them or in front of them.
Learn how to Communicate
Talk to your spouse directly or send messages through some kind of court-approved system. Do not use the children as messengers because this puts them squarely in the middle of arguments.
Get a Mediator if Necessary
As parents, you need to be a united front for the kids. However, differences in parenting may be part of why you’ve divorced. If you cannot come to agreements on key parenting issues, then work with a mediator if necessary to find a solution you can both live with. This can work with anything from child custody mediation to holidays and summer breaks. Just make sure to do what is best for the children.
Let Your Child Grieve
This is a loss for your children, so let them grieve. Allow them to cry and even rage. It will feel like a death to them, and they need to work through the grieving process in their own way, just as the adults involved will have to work through some grief.
Spend Time with Your Kids
Make time for the kids and follow through on promises you make. Both parents can still have a positive relationship with the child, but it may take extra work now. Children need both of their parents, so make sure that you make the time for them to be with you.
Staying in an unhappy marriage or dysfunctional situation can be harmful to the entire family, but getting divorced still won’t be easy. Follow these steps to help yourself protect the children and keep them safe and comfortable both during the divorce and in coming years.
Brionna Kennedy is native to the Pacific Northwest, growing up in Washington, then moving down to Oregon for college. She enjoys writing on fashion and business, but any subject will do, she loves to learn about new topics. When she isn’t writing, she lives for the outdoors. Oregon has been the perfect setting to indulge her love of kayaking, rock climbing, and hiking.