Birth mothers have experienced an ambiguous loss, meaning they are permanently experiencing the loss of a child that’s still alive and healthy. Birth mothers often lack emotional support and empathy because their loss is viewed as a choice. When a mother loses a child to death, they have funerals to acknowledge the loss; birth mothers do not get this kind of closure. If you know someone who is putting their baby up for adoption, don’t ignore their loss.
Encourage Participation in Support Groups
A support group is the best place for a birth mother to find empathetic support. Nobody can quite understand what they are going through except someone who’s also put their child up for adoption. Having the ability and permission to openly share their feelings and emotions is a great step towards healing. If your friend or family member is reluctant to reach out, find a handful of local support groups known for their fantastic support and provide the information to your friend. If you’re close, offer to attend the first session with her, even if you just wait out in the car for her.
Give Her Post-Natal Care
New mothers are usually lavished in attention, affection, and meals. Provide this same kind of support for your friend. While she may not be leaving the hospital with a baby, she still has to recover from the trauma of birth. Bring her meals, offer to run errands for a few weeks, and do some laundry or clean her house. Don’t ignore the fact that she gave birth; help her with practical concerns and allow her body to heal.
Help Them Find an Outlet for their Grief
Your friend may need a place to channel her anger, sadness, and grief. She may not feel comfortable channeling those emotions to you; if she does, listen and be supportive. If she is withdrawn, offer her the gift of a journal. Having some place to process these feelings in private can help her work through them and may help her open up more if she decides to go to a support group or counseling.
Remember to Support Them Down the Road
Like most people who suffer a loss, the support often wanes as more time passes. Many grieving spouses or parents report they are constantly surrounded by loved ones for the first few weeks and then everyone disappears and moves on with their own lives. Don’t let this happen to your friend. They will probably receive some emotional and financial support from their adoption agency, as happens with Heart to Heart Adoptions, but even that ends eventually. The loss of a child, even when they’re in a happy, safe place can be immeasurably difficult for them. Check in with them regularly and if your friend seems receptive, offer to help them plan a special ceremony on their child’s birthday.
Don’t hesitate in showing support for the birth mother as soon as she puts the baby up for adoption. While the hardest part comes after the child leaves her womb and her arms, the moment they decide to place their baby into adoption can be a harrowing and heartbreaking experience. Let them know they aren’t alone.
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