Pre-wedding red alerts that you should not ignore

Getting married is a life-changing event and couples counselors say that it is quite natural to feel anxious about it. From planning the perfect day, to misgivings about adopting a whole new family, to worries about retaining your much-valued independence, there are many things that could be giving you sleepless nights. However, while you will be hearing a lot of, “Calm down, take a deep breath and carry on” from well-wishers, we would advise you not to ignore those warning bells in your head. Here are some red alerts that you definitely should not ignore: 

Discord between families
Unresolved issues between your respective families can lead to a lot of bitter conflict later in the marriage. “In the Indian context, marriages are still between families to a certain extent so bitter acrimony between the two sides does not bode well for a marriage,” says Rachna K Singh, clinical psychologist and life coach at Artemis Hospital, Gurgaon.

You are fighting constantly
If you are at each other’s throats all the time, it’s unlikely that you will be able to resolve your differences after marriage. “Couples often have a misconception that getting married will solve their problems. But that never happens. On the contrary, you will be starting your marriage with on a wrong foot. Analyse your differences thoroughly to see where the points of conflict are arising and work on them before you take the big step,” says Dr Gitanjali. 

Sexual incompatibility
This is an almost impossible hurdle to cross in a relationship. If you are not on the same page sexually, it is better to back off when you have a chance instead of facing a lifetime of sexual frustration. “Sexual problems are very common in arranged marriages where the couple has not had a chance to explore their sexuality. And even if they have and found each other incompatible, they often find it very difficult to back out because families are involved and the date may have been set etc,” says Rachna. “Watch out for signs of homosexuality or bisexuality, mismatch of sexual appetites and deviant sexual preferences.” 

Anger or violence issues
If your man has a violent streak, withdraw from the relationship because sooner of later that violence will be perpetrated upon you. Even if your man is not abusive towards you just yet because you are in the love-dovey phase, his behaviour to others will give you an inkling of what you can expect when he is in a rage. For instance, does he fly into a rage easily? “Get out of the relationship while you can because with violence and abuse, it’s always a downhill story. It never goes aay and the marriage is doomed,” says Rachna. 

Psychiatric disorders
Does your man have a personality disorder? Is he on some prescription medication that you suspect could be mental disorder medication? Is he prone to extreme behavioural patterns? “While it might be comparatively easy to spot schizophrenia, other disorders like bipolar or depression are harder to figure out. If he is honest about his mental illness, you will have to take a call on whether you can deal with the lifelong demands of it. However, if he has tried to keep his condition away from you, then stay away,” says Rachna.

 

 

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