When your child becomes a teenager, their priorities and sense of what and who is important can change. This is not only a sign of changes in their developmental wellness, but it can take its toll on overall family wellness too. It’s hard for parents to be pushed into the back seat, and let teenagers take control of their own lives, but does that mean you’re no longer important to them?
According to a 2008 issue of the journal Developmental Review, the hormone changes that your teenager goes through during puberty have a huge effect on his or her brain. One of these is that the brain spurs the production of more receptors for oxytocin, often described as the “bonding hormone”. Your teen’s limbic system will have an increased sensitivity to the effects of this hormone, which has been linked to feelings of self-consciousness, or like everyone is watching you. Clea McNeely and Jayne Blanchard, authors of The Teen Years Explained: A Guide to Healthy Adolescent Development, say that this peaks at the age of 15.
Therefore, your teenager may feel like they’re the centre of the universe, and come across as self-centred, but they may also turn to some of the more idealistic efforts that young people have tackled throughout history, due to this brain change. According to Sara Johnson, an assistant professor at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health who reviewed the neuroscience in McNeely and Blanchard’s book, ‘It is the first time they are seeing themselves in the world,’ with their eyes open to things beyond family and school. Johnson says, for the first time, they are asking themselves, “What kind of person do I want to be and what type of place do I want the world to be?”
However, Sheryl Feinstein, author of Inside the Teenage Brain: Parenting a Work in Progress, says that until your teenager’s brain develops enough to handle shades of grey, their answers to these questions can be quite one-sided, and it’s your job to help them explore the questions, rather than give answers. You may think that your teen doesn’t want your help, and they may say as much, but a survey of adolescents revealed that 84% think highly of their mothers and 89% think highly of their fathers.
According to Feinstein, ‘They still need some structure and are looking to their parents to provide that structure. The parent that decides to treat a 16 or 17 year old as an adult is behaving unfairly and setting them up for failure.’ She adds that, in addition to being a good listener, one of the most influential ways to parent your teen is to be a good role model, as your teen is actively trying to figure out their own coping strategies. ‘Your adolescent is watching you,’ Feinstein says.
Comments are closed.