We all have off days when we’re grumpy and bad tempered. But if your spouse or partner is more than just grumpy and suffers from angry outbursts on a regular occasion, it can make your life miserable.
The problem with anger is that it often erupts from nowhere. Which means if you live with an angry person, you can feel like you’re walking on eggshells – never sure when they are going to explode. Perhaps you dread coming home after a day at work because you don’t know what mood your partner is going to be in. Or maybe, you constantly think about what you are going to say in case your words trigger an outburst.
Living with the tension caused by an angry partner is obviously damaging to your own health and can leave you feeling depressed, stressed or can cause confidence issues. It’s therefore something you need to tackle if you are committed to staying with your partner on a long-term basis.
The first thing is to try and work out is why your partner is angry. Perhaps there’s a short-term issue or situation they are facing – such as stress at work. If this is the case, you might be able to tolerate their bad mood for a short while, knowing that it will resolve itself soon. But if their anger stems from something more deep-seated – long-term depression, illness, an unhappy childhood or substance abuse – it might be a harder problem to tackle.
You should never feel that you have to adapt your own behaviour to facilitate your partner’s anger issues. And it’s important to remember that if anger turns to violence or emotional abuse, the only option usually is to leave the relationship. If you feel threatened or intimidated by your partner – either physically or mentally, it’s probably best to end the relationship. And if necessary, you can seek help from professional organisations.
If, however, you feel your partner could be helped and that your relationship is strong enough to overcome their anger issues, there are some strategies you can use to make things easier:
Walk away
If you know when your partner is likely to be angry – for example, straight after returning from work or after a phone call from their boss, then simply keeping out of the way until they’ve calmed down could be a strategy that works.
Talk calmly
Choose a time when your partner is in a relaxed and happy mood to chat to them about their issues. They are likely to be more receptive at this time than if you confront them in the middle of an angry outburst. Ask them why they feel they get angry so regularly and help them create strategies to deal with their anger. Perhaps suggest they seek professional help from their doctor or a therapist – or enrol on an anger management course.
Understand anger
Anger is often simply fear in disguise. When someone feels fearful but is unable to talk about their feelings, then their fear can manifest itself as anger. While you should never minimise your partner’s behaviour, understanding that their anger is driven by fear might make it easier to feel sympathetic towards them.
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