Do you argue with your partner? Is it about sex, chores, romance (or lack thereof), money, or something else that is equally mundane? Fret not. You are not weird, or passive aggressive, or a nag. And your relationship is not doomed. Though every couple looks picture-perfect on their Facebook or Instagram feed, each relationship is just as messed up as every other one. Most are dealing with the same issues that crop up time and again, and lead couples into a tight gridlock. The universal truth is, all partners disagree.
So how does one put down one’s sword and wave a white flag? “Couples need to be more empathetic and shift their perspective from ‘me’ to ‘we’ for the relationship to work better,” says Nayamat Bawa, head psychologist at IWill, an app that addresses emotional and mental well-being. Our experts list out the most common fights that every couple on the planet has, and offer tips on how to resolve them.
‘You’re not spending time with me’
Cancelling plans at the last minute, not taking initiative or putting friends before a partner can take a toll on any relationship. “If you’re at the receiving end of such behaviour, get some space and help your partner realise the problem. Don’t go along with all their plans and spend some time with your friends or doing your own thing till they understand,” says Kinjal Pandya, counselling psychologist.
‘I can’t stand your mom/dad’
Are interactions with your in-laws met with trepidation, fake smiles or eye rolls? Pandya suggests taking a non-accusatory tone if you want to tackle this. “If you complain or whine, your partner is most likely to get defensive. Stay composed and try using a calm tone to share your distress. This will help him or her understand your perspective better,” she says.
‘I can’t read your mind’
“My girlfriend rarely tells me what’s wrong. One moment things are great, the next she’s giving me death glares and the silent treatment. Then I have to figure out what I said or did wrong,” says Aditya Sanghvi, a 23-year-old student. Unfortunately, humans aren’t psychic, so help your partner by letting him know what exactly you want. Also, ditch the silent treatment and frankly tell him what is hurting you.
‘Why is there an empty milk carton in the fridge?’
Also known as, ‘Why can’t you pick up your shoes from the hallway?’ or ‘You didn’t put the toilet seat down’ or ‘Stop snoozing all your alarms’—the list is endless. Everything you found cute about your partner in the beginning turns into a pet peeve at some point. Before bringing the roof down, consider if your partner’s behaviour is a deal-breaker or not. If it isn’t, it’s best to make your peace with it.
‘I do all the work’
Often, couples fight because one takes on more than his or her share of housework, leading to resentment. “Each partner should have the choice of picking the chores they are comfortable doing and decide their own timeline for when it will be done. And your partner is an adult, so there’s no need to coddle or nag,” says Bawa.
‘You spend way too much time in the office’
Jobs today are no longer the standard 9-5 and often take over our lives. The key here is to focus on quality, instead of quantity, of time spent. Be truly present in the moment and give your partner your undivided attention even if it is just for a few hours.
‘We don’t make out as much as we did before’
Ask couples what their idea of intimacy is and you’d be surprised with the range of responses. While sexual intimacy is an obvious answer, emotional and physical intimacy are just as important. A mismatch in the idea of intimacy can also lead to fights. When it comes to sex, avoid letting things become routine. To fuel more emotional or physical intimacy, talk more and spend at least 10 minutes a day with each other, sans distractions.
‘You shouldn’t be spending money on that’
You get your hands on a gorgeous pair of shoes, but your excitement dies immediately on contact with your partner’s sarcastic, ‘Another pair of shoes?’ If studies are to be believed, money management is the number one topic over which couples fight. To tackle this problem, couples can keep separate accounts to meet personal needs without putting a dent in the common pool and maintain a joint account for house expenses.
Fight for this love
Fights can be healthy if dealt with in the right way. Confused? Raksha Bharadia, founder of Bonobology, a website that focuses on Indian relationships, points out the silver lining to every fight.
• Fighting means you are addressing the red flags in your relationship.
• When done respectfully, it reduces the chances of developing resentments.
• It helps keep the lines of communication open in the relationship.
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