6 Reasons Why You Absolutely SHOULDN’T Meditate

By Yourwellness Last updated Nov 1, 2018 6

Everywhere you turn, someone is probably telling you to try meditation. In fact, search ‘should I meditate’ on Google right now. You’ll be bombarded with 1001 reasons from millions of websites on why meditation is the divine secret to wellness, boasting wild benefits like:

It helps balance blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar.
It reduces anxiety and depression.
It improves memory and reduces memory loss.
It helps fight addiction.
It improves self-awareness and self-love.
It promotes a healthier relationship with food and your body.
It boosts focus and productivity.
It improves sleep and reduces insomnia.
It is an effective natural form of pain management.
Oh, and it’s free.

Sounds like kind of a scam, eh? In fact, there are loads of reasons why you shouldn‘t meditate, so let’s balance out the scales, shall we? First things first…

1. Meditation doesn’t help you get your chores done.

We’re all busy, and we all have chores, so let’s be realistic for a second. Think of all the dishes you could have washed in those 10 minutes that you might have squandered on a few breathy oms. And you know that pile of laundry on your bed? It isn’t going to fold itself.

If you want to get your chores done faster, meditation is not the answer. You’re better off preparing your Hogwarts application and learning to magic away your chores than you are sitting idly doing and thinking absolutely nothing. That sounds like the definition of unproductive.

2. You’ll lose your multitasking skills.

Meditation is all about slowing down and becoming more mindful, but who wants to go about their life with the same utterly present mindset as a sloth? (For the record, though, sloths are pretty cool.)

Doing 13 things at once is the closest most of us will ever get to feeling like a superhero. Impress the world with your ability to half-ass a whole bunch of mundane projects while looking and feeling utterly frazzled. More is always better. Don’t let meditation cramp your style.

3. It forces you to spend time with yourself.

Do you really want to get better acquainted with yourself? Yikes! You’re the worst. Avoid that at all costs.

4. You won’t have anything to complain about.

Since meditation helps you become more mindful, it might lead you to complain less. But then what? What are you supposed to talk about with friends, family, and colleagues, if you have nothing to complain about? The weather? There’s only so much you can say about how unseasonably chilly/warm/wet/dry it is outside.

Complaints are the seeds that spark conversation. Without complaints, what are we supposed to do—start reading and fueling our minds, so that we have fodder for intellectual discussions? No thank you. Complaining is indulgent and addictive. Steer clear of meditation, if you want to keep it up.

5. You’ll lose precious Netflix time.

It takes real dedication to binge watch an entire season of a show in a couple days. But if you spend 10 to 20 minutes meditating, you may suddenly feel the urge to go outside or embark on a new creative venture—yuck!

Stick to the couch, and by all means, DON’T CLEAR YOUR THOUGHTS! That’s detrimental to your Netflix habit—remember, they won’t choose just any old schmuck for the binge watching Olympics. Eyes on the prize.

6. It’s the worst kind of Kool-Aid.

There’s no way something so simple and easy could have such powerful benefits all on its own. Could meditation be some sort of mind control cult? Maybe. Be wary, and don’t touch it with a 10 foot pole, just to be safe.

See, meditation isn’t as great as everybody says. If you want to keep your mind comfortably cluttered, do not meditate! Meditation only begets calmness, mindfulness, and clarity—who needs that?!

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