It is shocking how commonplace abuse is and once it has stopped or been stopped, how do we get over it and rebuild ourselves and our lives?
Abuse comes in many forms and at many different times in life. It can be so mild and so well disguised that you hardly register it as abuse or so full on that there is no mistaking it; but in all cases the receiver of the abuse always feels powerless to do anything about it.
We can be sexually abused, physically abused and verbally abused, the latter often coming in the form of bullying or of undermining confidence. The common factor in all these different types of abuse is that they all undermine our understanding of our self-worth at a deeply subconscious level. All forms of abuse creates victims.
There is a misconception that to be a victim you have to be someone who has a weak character. This is so very clearly not the case, either when the abuse is carried out on a child or on an adult. It is easier for us to understand why a child would succumb to abuse, especially by an adult and someone they know and trust, as is sadly often the case, but how can this happen to an adult? Why don’t they stand up for themselves and fight back?
An abuser works in an insidious way, feeding data into the person’s mind until they lose sight of who they are, who they always knew they were! Value systems, trust and self-confidence erode, giving the perpetrator of the abuse the way to continue.
The majority of abused adults I meet are anything but weak characters. They are often feisty, strong people who no-one would ever call a wimp! In fact it is precisely because they are strong, capable people who have control of most aspects of their lives that the abuser is able to, and again I use the word, insidiously work on them.
The victim (child or adult) usually blames themselves and feels immense shame. In the case of sexually abused children perhaps the abuser persuades the child that what is happening is a good thing and the right thing even their ‘special secret’. With physical and violent abuse and bullying, the child or adult will be terrified that they will make things worse for themselves by creating a fuss though sadly, by keeping quiet they of course enable and prolong the abuse.
What happens to abused children when they become adults if they have not been rescued, if their voices have not been heard? Can we even imagine the frustration caused by the impotence of just being a child? Everything is completely out of their control. Can we begin to imagine the despair of the child; the anger, shame and humiliation, lack of self-esteem of the adult they become?
Frequently as adults they themselves become self-abusers, continuing this negativity in their lives, being ‘seduced’ by the familiar pattern, or sometimes even by becoming an abuser of others, perpetuating a learned pattern of behaviour. When these children have grown into adults, (and remember this adult has no idea of their self-worth), they experience anger and shame at the injustice of what has happened to them. This may be aimed at their abuser, perhaps adults within their immediate circle whose help they may have (often fruitlessly) tried to enlist. Mainly the anger and shame they feel is of themselves, believing they are to blame and have somehow brought this abuse upon themselves. As a direct result self-abuse may begin. For example self-harming, excessive promiscuity, addiction to alcohol or drugs; the need to continue the familiarity of abuse is extremely powerful.
One thing common to all though, is the absolute certainty that they cannot trust anyone and that they will be betrayed at some point. As a result and as a self-fulfilling prophesy, they subconsciously destroy one way or another, any chance of close relationships.
Abuse is yet another reason why I am such a strong advocate of children learning to meditate as early as possible, and it is possible for children to learn from the age of 5. Through the quietening and strengthening process of meditation, our children have the possibility of achieving a stronger sense of themselves, their identity and self-worth.
The quietening process of Meditation also helps us become receptive to Intuitive Counselling and combined with Meditation the abused person will be gently guided to look at it, acknowledge it and accept it and themselves, enabling them to move forward towards discovering or rediscovering themselves, their strength and their self-worth.
All of us hold conversations in our minds which can be very negative and damaging and unnecessarily self-critical; but for an abused person, those mind conversations are extreme. Meditation can completely transform those conversations from negative to positive ones and, at the same time, quieten the incessant chattering and nagging of the monkey mind. With this new positivity and strength we are able to accept and take on board ways to change our situation(s), putting past experiences well and truly behind us and embracing the present and future with less fear and with self-assurance.
Difficult life experiences are part of life. None of us is completely exempt. These experiences may always, in some way, be a part of us but they need not be obstacles in our lives by preventing us from having healthy relationships and living our lives to the full. Learning to quieten at soul level through Peace of Mind Silent Meditation will ensure that we do.
Contact Sonia Wynn-Jones MBRCP at:
Sonia@peaceofmind-online.com or call 07968 078 455
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