Separation or divorce may be difficult enough for a couple, but for children it can be incredibly troubling. Almost all children whose parents are separating experience feelings of anxiety, fear, loss, anger and confusion. However, children are stronger than people think and they can and do recover from this. In fact, children of separated parents virtually always grow up relatively healthy and well-adjusted. Parents can play an important role in helping their children through the crisis and challenge of separation, with understanding and guidance. With this help, children can begin to learn how to deal with the emotional trauma of divorce.
During their elementary school years, in particular, children typically experience feelings of sadness and loss in relation to their parents’ separation. Grief, sorrow and feeling as though they have a lack of security are all common. Some children even feel embarrassed or ashamed of their familial situation. Whereas some kids will display their emotions outwardly, with crying and such emotional output, others will struggle to keep their emotions inside. In this situation, parents can help their children to express their feelings verbally and non-verbally, such as through art or writing. They can also acknowledge their children’s feelings and help them to understand why they are feeling the way that they do. Age-appropriate explanations for why you are divorcing can help to do this, so that they know it isn’t their fault that you are separating. It may be useful to let your kids meet other children whose parents have split up, so that they know they aren’t alone – there are separation and divorce groups which you can enroll in for this.
Fear and anxiety are also common reactions to divorce. The security and safety they feel in their family unit is suddenly being uprooted and that can be difficult for children to cope with. It may leave your children feeling insecure or scared, so you need to avoid conflict in front of your children to try and limit this. You should aim to minimise the disruptions in your family routines and try to work together on issues, as you would have before, in order to stop your children feeling as though they’re part of a broken family unit. You should also tell your children what changes they can come to expect in their lives, such as if they will be moving, who will look after them and so on. This will help them to understand how life will be and minimise their feelings of insecurity and fear. It’s important during a divorce that you reiterate to your children how much you love them and that you’ll continue to take care of them – some children worry than because you’re leaving your partner, that you’ll leave them as well.
Allow older children to have some input into custody and visitation plans, although naturally you should maintain the ultimate responsibility for decision making. The most crucial thing to remember is that you should continue to provide predictable and steady parenting so as not to leave your children feeling in disarray. If your children are angry as a result of your divorce, let them know that it’s ok to be mad, but teach them healthy ways to channel this anger such as through talking or art. If your child’s behaviour becomes inappropriate or extreme, it’s important to remain firm with them and help them to navigate their feelings in a healthier way. In doing this, they can learn to understand that these emotions are normal but simply need to be managed in a better way.
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