There are so many pieces of fitness gear and equipment on the market these days, you never know what to get. Buying anything and everything does no favours for your financial wellness, but choose the wrong thing and you’re stuck! Plus, with every advert asserting that each item is a “miracle product” with “evidence” to back up its claims, how do you cut through the crap and work out which gear is legit? As the creator of Nerd Fitness, Steve Kamb has come across every fake advert out there. ‘I know there’s a LOT of conflicting information out there on fitness,’ says Kamb. ‘And you want to know how to get healthy. Luckily, that’s why I’m here: to make sure you do everything properly and achieve MAXIMUM EXTREME RESULTS. I’ve been around the block a time or two, and have bought every fitness product and programme imaginable. So…I’m kind of an expert at this stuff.’ So, read on for the fitness advice you SHOULD NEVER FOLLOW.
‘First and foremost, you need to have the right gear,’ Kamb comments. ‘If you don’t have the best stuff, then you’re never going to get results. What’s that you say? You don’t have butt-toning shoes? Don’t listen to those fools that say you can workout in anything, if your shoes don’t cost as much as an iPad mini, then you’re wasting your time. Next, you should probably get some thigh shaping spandex, preferably leopard print – they’ll help target the fat on your legs for maximum burn, minimizing the amount of work you need to do! Don’t worry, we won’t be breaking a sweat, so you don’t have to worry about looking really good all of the time. Sweating is for suckers.’
Kamb continues, ‘Great, you’re now looking the part. It’s time to start working out. Right? WRONG! You need to get the right equipment or you’d be better off just sitting down and giving up. I’m going to list the equipment by most important: Some sort of ab machine – I don’t care if you pick the Ab Coaster, Ab Roller, Ab Chair, Hawaii Chair, or Ab Rocket – pretty much anything with “ab” in its title. Simply crank out a few reps while eating donuts and that stubborn belly fat just melts away! Too much work for you? That’s fine! Get yourself an Flex belt – it’s like an electric chair for your stomach. Nothing could go wrong there. Or these weight loss wraps. That’s right, through magic, you just wrap yourself up and lose weight!’
‘Then, you should buy at least three Shake Weights,’ Kamb instructs. ‘If you’re a lady, then you probably want toned arms. Shaking a weight (in pink!) for ten minutes a day should be enough to produce results to make that wench Bethany down the street jealous. Take that Bethany! Next, get an expensive nautilus-type machine with 562 moving parts – This is fantastic: it practically does all of the work for you! The more money you spend, the better! You simply sit down and swing your arms and legs – BAM! You’ll look like Arnold. Under NO circumstances should you pick up a free weight. They’re heavy, and REALLY difficult to pick up sometimes. Not cool. Last but not least, get yourself this revolutionary treadmill that simulates walking…up a hill. GOOD LUCK finding a place to do THAT in reality. What do you think this is, Imaginationland? Now, you’ll need to take out a second mortgage to buy all of this equipment, but that’s okay – I know a GREAT refinance guy.’
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