If you’re looking to put on a few pounds and bulk up, you’ve probably been on the internet looking at all sorts of advice and top tips that are steering you wrong. As the creator of Nerd Fitness, wellness expert Steve Kamb has seen every piece of bad fitness advice going. Read on to find out exactly what NOT to do.
According to Kamb, if you’re serious about putting on muscle, ‘it’s time to sign up for the most expensive gym membership you can find – preferably one with lots of machines. If it has free weights, try to avoid it – you might have to deal with people lifting things up and putting them down. No thank you! Next, I want you to sign up for every class they have in that gym – jazzersize, boxersize, supersize, Sweatin’ to the oldies, Dub-steppin’ to the newies, and so on. The more classes you can sign up for, the better. Don’t worry, you’ll only be attending each class once…and never going back.’
Kamb warns, ‘If you’re a lady, avoid the free weights like the plague. Everybody knows that lifting weights will turn you into a bulky monster. If you MUST pick up a dumbbell, grab the little pink ones, and do as many reps as possible. I’m talking 50-60 reps per exercise. If you can’t do that many, get a lighter weight. Do not pick up a weight heavier than three pounds, ever! Unfortunately, this also includes things like groceries, the laundry, a backpack, your children, a laptop, etc. On second thought, just stay away from the free weights all together – that’s no place for a lady.’
Don’t forget to incorporate plenty of variety into your routine: ‘You should be changing your workout every four hours,’ Kamb adds. ‘This way your muscles are always confused and have no clue WTF is going on. If you stick with a workout routine for longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. Speaking of which, the more confusing, convoluted and complicated you can make your workout, the better. Like, I’m talking “need a degree in rocket science to understand” complicated. For example, I’m currently doing a 28-day workout split. Tomorrow is “left glute” day.’
So that’s wrong advice for exercise, but what about your diet? Kamb details, ‘For starters, don’t bother changing what you eat or how much (hopefully your gym is supplying you with pizza and bagels). We’re just gonna pump you full of pills and shakes instead! March on down to your nearest GNC and tear through that place like a Toys R’ Us kid on a five-minute shopping spree. I love to just hold my arm up and run forward, knocking everything on the shelves into the cart. Diet pills? Fantastic. Fat burner shakes? DOUBLE UP. Muscle building powder? You bet your ass! Dragon blood? Unicorn tails? Get. It. All. The more expensive the supplement, the more effective it’ll be.’
Kamb enthuses, ‘After that, we’re off to the grocery store! Quickly bypass the fruits and vegetables, and skip anything not labelled as ‘low-fat!’ Definitely head straight to the frozen food section – check out all of those low fat “healthy meals.” BOOO FAT! Disregard the 50 unpronounceable ingredients in your healthy ”17 cheese lasagne.” It says it’s healthy on the box. Now, as you make your away around the grocery store, grab yourself some low-fat ice cream, low-fat bagels, low-fat bread, low-fat OREOS, low-fat fried dough, and everything else that is low fat. Trust me on this one, it’s low fat, so it’s healthy. If you don’t want to go shopping, no problem! Drive on over to Taco Bell, and grab yourself a taco salad. Of course it’s healthy, it’s a salad isn’t it? This also works for other healthy items like macaroni salad, potato salad, pasta salad, and ‘deep fried ball of lard’ salad. And last but not least, wash it all down with a 32 oz. Gatorade. That’s hundreds of calories important nutrients and 56 grams of sugar awesome!’
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