All of us are entitled to privacy but there are those who take their notion of wraps too far and actually come across as being overly secretive. Emotional connections based on openness and trust blossom nicely but what happens when you are too guarded and keep most things to yourself? It’s true that no one should feel the need to discuss their entire life with everyone but if your secretive nature is causing you meaningful emotional bonds in life then perhaps it is time to relook at this aspect of yourself.
What happens when you’re too secretive?
Compromised friendships: Secretive people are reluctant to make any kind of personal self-disclosures, which contribute towards deepening their relationships with their peers. Usually, as people get to know each other they move beyond superficial-level topics and start opening up to each other. By sharing their vulnerabilities, they share their true selves. But this has to be a two-way process. If one person reveals something about himself or herself, the other needs to match it and disclose something as well. If this doesn’t happen, then it disrupts the connection between the two. The person who opened up may be left feeling unfairly exposed. If this happens often, then the disclosing person senses that they aren’t getting anything in return to their sharing and may limit this connection. Similarly, if you are so guarded, your peers notice it and wonder about you. This can lead to subtle emotional distancing which may affect your day-to-day conversations and friendly interactions.
More scrutiny & judgement: Secretive people come across as paranoid and untrusting, and as such don’t seem trustworthy to most people who can’t gauge what kind of person you are and will avoid you because of that. They may also think that you are sneaky, up to something, or have something shameful going on in your life, which you wish to hide, and thus are so guarded. Hence, by being secretive if you hope to avoid any scrutiny of your life, your strategy will be totally self-defeating because secretive people invite more scrutiny and judgement than others.
The reasons for your secretive nature may be many:
- You’ve been brought up in a way where being open was frowned upon.
- You lack social confidence.
- You’re embarrassed about your flaws, your boring personal life.
- You’re afraid of rejection.
- You view the world as nasty and mean.
- Your secrecy is an attempt to defend yourself against some sort of rough social experiences or abuse.
Whatever the reason, it is definitely stressful to be constantly on guard and to worry about keeping things under lock and key. If you want to rectify the poor impression of always being on the guard and having a cagey personality, you can allow yourself some breathing space and social ease.
Ways to open up in front of others
Change your attitude: Perhaps the foremost and most difficult is to change your attitude about what it means to reveal your weaknesses. You are liked not because you’re flawless and perfect but because you’re human, like everyone else and live your life by making mistakes. Once you are like everyone else, warts and all, you are no longer the annoying, distant person who struggles to appear perfect.
Be comfortable with yourself: If you’re self-accepting and calm while discussing your vulnerabilities, others will go with it. Of course, there may be people who will respond negatively to your secrets or use them against you. But that doesn’t reflect on you. It reflects on people and their lack of understanding and compassion. They are the problem, not you.
Be judicious in sharing: There are some secrets you may want to take to your grave and there’s nothing wrong with that if you feel so deeply about them. Find out what information about yourself you’re most and least comfortable sharing with people. You could share minor things about yourself freely, and hence will not come across as excessively guarded and distant.
Work up social courage gradually, anonymously: You could start off by sharing things anonymously online on Internet forums. This will help you work up social courage gradually to share your personal thoughts with others.
Get things off your chest: Start off by telling the people you know for a while. It may feel awkward, but there is a sense of relief and getting a weight off your chest. You may still not like that fact or experience which you had kept hidden for long, but at least you don’t have the additional stress of trying to hide it. If people know you’re struggling, they may actually offer to help, give you advice and encouragement.
See a counsellor: If the problem of your excessive secretive nature persists, and you are not able to make much headway, it may help to explore the issue with a therapist. There’s nothing shameful about seeking help. It will only help you lead a better, more fulfilling life.
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