While women taking the lead in the bedroom is certainly no bad thing, one has to consider how this is affecting men’s sexual health and wellness. According to consulting psychotherapist and counsellor Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, co-author of The Ultimate Sex Education Guide, ‘Repressed urges and coy responses in women are being replaced by total acceptance of their sexual feelings and bold expression of the same. One would have thought this would thrill men. After all, they have been using lack of an exciting enough sex life at home, as an excuse to seek it outside. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.’ So what’s the problem?
‘Normal heterosexual men are getting increasingly uncomfortable with the sexually liberated woman,’ says Bhonsle. ‘So are many metrosexual men, who otherwise say that they welcome the active participation of women in sexual relating. Men often enjoy the active participation of the woman as long as it does not push them out of their comfort zones. What this means is that when a woman initiates sex, and if the man is not feeling like it, he wants the liberty and comfort of turning down the advances, without being questioned or cajoled into responding. However, if he were to initiate intimacy, he wants that she be responsive at all times and be a passionate tigress, who fulfils his fantasies. The bottom line is: he wants the remote control in his hand at all times. And if he does not have it, there can be problems in the marriage.’
However, there are other reasons why a man may feel intimidated in the bedroom. ‘If a man has an actual organic problem and is unable to perform due to physical reasons, and if the woman is intimidating, he views his life partner as a woman who is insensitive and lacking in empathy,’ Bhonsle explains. ‘If she continues to put him down or threatens to abandon him, it can sadden him, depress him and bring about irreversible cracks in the relationship. If a man gets into a downward spiral of depression about his condition, anxiety about abandonment by the woman and guilt for depriving his partner, the relationship suffers in every aspect; it invariably leads to a total breakdown. When there is an organic problem, the woman needs to demonstrate great sensitivity. She needs be a support while medical intervention is sought. In the meanwhile, they both need to focus on other fulfilling areas of their life together.’
Bhonsle adds, ‘When a man is simply going through one of the natural lows and has a temporary erection problem due to ill health, depression, or a major stressor in his life, and if a woman is intimidating at such times, the passing phase can become a permanent one. This is because the man sees her as a selfish and insensitive partner, and he might either retaliate or totally switch off from her in every way. Therefore, the woman needs to be his life partner in the truest sense of the word, sharing companionship with him, being supportive of him while he works through his stressors. She needs to encourage him in every way she can. This creates emotional intimacy of a kind that makes the relationship much stronger. So, when he is out of the tunnel, they relate with a renewed vigour and passion as a result of such emotional intimacy.’
That is not to say that women should not be sexually liberated, or should refrain from initiating sex. Rather, it means that women need to treat men as they wish to be treated; with respect and a sense of equality. As Bhonsle puts it, ‘While the sexual liberation of women is definitely something to be celebrated, true liberation for both men and women can only come from being free and liberated from the need to intimidate or be in control of the relationship. This enables both to relate in mutual compassion, which includes companionship and passion.’
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