The amount of worry shared by parents and their grownup children can feel like a warm comforter or wet blanket, a new University of Florida study finds. Just the right amount of concern could solidify ties between parents and their adult children, but too much fretting may become a burden to them, says Elizabeth Hay, a UF psychology professor, who led the research. “If someone knows you worry about them, they may see it as an expression of love and caring, but at the same time they can feel irritated and annoyed by it,” explains Hay, whose study is published in the journal ‘Personal Relationships’.
While parents and their adult children feel more positively about their relationships when the other party worries about them and conveys their concerns, at a certain point, however, expressing one’s unease to the other person exacts a cost. The more parents worry about their children and discuss those worries, the more negatively the other party views the relationship, the research finds. Says the study, “It’s socially and emotionally supportive to worry and share your concerns, but you need to do it in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel that you perceive them to be incapable of managing their own affairs.” This is then likely to have an exact opposite result. The children feel like you are undermining their autonomy.
Of course, there’s a reason why parents continue to worry for their children even if the latter are now, legally, adults. When children are young and parents are responsible for so much of their life, they worry about a variety of things, which is not likely to just suddenly stop once their children become adults. Their focus of worry could be anything – health, finances, relationship issues and problems in balancing work and family. Sometimes the ageing parents also have global concerns like the world being an unsafe place or their adult children holding unsafe jobs. The study confirms that worrying is still very much a part of family dynamics even after the children have grown and moved out. To a certain degree it is normal to worry about your adult child but maintaining autonomy is important in all your family ties.
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