Desire disparity can put an enormous amount of stress on couples, creating a gap in the relationship that can be difficult to repair. Feeling rejected is tough on anyone’s self esteem, but this is especially the case then the person doing the rejecting is your own partner. When you are in a relationship, it is assumed that you are always intimate and sexual with one another, but this is not always the case for many couples. For people trying to get their partner to engage in sexual activity, it can seem as though they are under a lot of pressure to get their partner to perform, sometimes feeling as though they are harassing them to face the issue. It’s often difficult to find a healthy balance between not wanting to feel pressured but also making your partner happy. When we seek fulfillment from another person, we are always going to be disappointed – not because that person is bound to fail us, but because our fulfillment should first and foremost come from ourselves. Once you’re able to find sexual and sensual pleasure for yourself, you won’t rely quite so heavily on your partner. And once that stress has been lifted, your partner might then feel more able to initiate sex without feeling pressured into it.
Firstly, discover what it is you want from your sexual relationship – is it intimacy you’re craving, or passion? Do you want to live out fantasies or try new experiences? Once you’re clear on what you want, how much you want it and where, sex with your partner will have more of a direction. Take some time to note down the feelings and emotions you attribute to sex, as well as fantasies and desires you have – searching for the answers to these questions may take some time but it will be well worth it. Find methods of pleasuring yourself that don’t involve your partner too, within the boundaries of your relationship. Perhaps you may want to buy a vibrator or sex toys so that you can spend time exploring your sexuality and what you do and don’t like. Practice makes perfect, after all, so this time is really crucial. Don’t just masturbate and hope that that will solve the issue; you really need to get to the emotional route of why you’re desiring what you are. This discovery is really helpful in you deciphering what you want out of sex. You can then start to include your partner.
Naturally, some areas of your sexual fulfillment can’t be achieved with your partner, but a healthy sexual relationship is important for any happy couple. Discuss with them your findings from your sexual discovery, and how you want them to be involved. Make a list if you find this to be an easier way of communicating, or you can spend time sharing stories and desires as a couple. However you decide to do it, be clear and honest about your feelings. Agree on a sexual culture and way of making you both happy – perhaps you could switch between having the kind of sex you each like, so that both partner gets to have a sexually satisfying experience without making the other feel like their thoughts on the matter have been excluded. Sex should be a happy and intimate time, but it should also be fair on each party – constantly having one type of sex means one member of that couple is being ignored and their ideas rejected which can be difficult to get over. Spend time making each other feel happy and satisfied, and this will translate into a happier relationship and a better sex life.
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