How often do you need to have sex in order to have a “healthy” sex life? This was the question bugging Barbara Hannah Grufferman, author of The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More, who endeavoured find out how sexual health and wellness changes after 50.
Grufferman details a recent study by The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour, which found the two variables most associated with the amount of sex you have are your age and your marital satisfaction. As you get older, you have sex less often, particularly if you have lower levels of martial satisfaction. The study showed that half of couples age 65-75 still engaged in sex, but less than one quarter of couples over 75 were still sexually active. Grufferman comments, ‘This study left me feeling that the older we got, the less we got it. Not good.’
This led Grufferman to consult friends in similar situation. ‘We all had the same question,’ she says. ‘I love my husband and he loves me, so why aren’t we having more hot sex together, like we used to? We want to have sex, but sometimes we just aren’t into it. How do we get in the mood? We all hated thinking that things were slowing down, and that they might slow down even more. For sure, menopause can sometimes make sex uncomfortable for some women and our libido can drop off. But, just because a woman is post-menopausal, does she automatically lose interest? Forever? Was that my future? Was I supposed to lock this door and throw away the key?’
After plenty of worrying and worry-inducing research, Grufferman finally met with Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, who argues that sex after fifty may be the best sex you’ll ever have. Perel noted that while you may be under the misconception that menopause affects your wellness to the point where you no longer want sex, the majority of women over 50 are sexually healthy and, for those that aren’t, simple solutions like lubricants or oestrogen are available. She added that men experience more sexual functioning challenges as they age, which can be troubling and so they often avoid sex. This causes the woman to think he’s no longer attracted to her, which results in a sexual Catch-22.
Armed with this uplifting information, Grufferman outlines her three tools that women can use to get into the mood:
1. Arousal. ‘Watch a movie or read a book, have a fantasy, put on some sexy lingerie,’ Grufferman suggests. ‘Many things can arouse us. Arousal can lead to desire, and desire leads to sex. Figure out what gets you going and use it when you need it.’
2. Desire. Grufferman explains, ‘Desire is wanting to be turned on. With this entry point you want to get aroused, and you want to actively engage in getting turned on with your partner.’
3. Willingness. ‘This is the most important entry point for women over 50,’ Grufferman asserts. ‘It’s the willingness to be engaged in desire. If you’ve been ignoring, neglecting or denying your sexual self for a while, then you must consciously decide that you want sex in order to even let yourself feel desire. We talk ourselves into doing things all the time going out to an event, cooking dinner but people don’t think about talking themselves into having sex.’
Grufferman concludes, ‘After 50, we’re at a sexual crossroads, and need to make a choice: We could go through menopause, and realise that our experience of sex is changing and decide that we are done with it, and shut down that part of ourselves, lock the door and throw away the key. Or, (the much more fun choice) we could embrace this new life with a sense of freedom and fun; no more periods, no more worries about getting pregnant, no more doing it because there has to be a result, . . . and you may very well find yourself having the best sex . . . ever.’
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