If you have sex on a regular basis, you’re probably not too worried about your sexual health or your relationship wellness. In fact, if you’re “getting some” more often than your friends, your sexual confidence will go through the roof. This is according to a new study, which has found that you don’t just want to keep up with the Joneses in terms of looking good or having the latest things; you want to be more successful in the bedroom, too. Tim Wadsworth, an associate professor of sociology who led the University of Colorado Boulder research, explains, ‘There’s an overall increase in sense of wellbeing that comes with engaging in sex more frequently, but there’s also this relative aspect to it. Having more sex makes us happy – but thinking that we’re having more sex than other people makes us even happier.’
For the study, 15,386 people reported on their sexual frequency. Those who had sex weekly were 44% more likely to feel happier than those who hadn’t had sex in the previous year. For couples who had sex two or three times a week, the chances of them reporting happiness were 55% more likely than their celibate counterparts. However, no matter how often couples were getting it on, their happiness levels fell by 14% if couples believed they were having sex less than their peers. According to Wadsworth, this is about seeing ‘sex as a sense of accomplishment. Just as income can provide both purchasing power as well as a sense of pride or self-worth, sex may lead to happiness not just through physical pleasure or emotional connection but because it can reinforce people’s sense that they’re living well, that they’re doing something. It becomes an aspect of one’s identity that can be compared with the people around them. When the result of the comparison is positive, it increases happiness; when it’s negative it decreases it.’
However, the problem we face here is that comparing yourself to others is often problematic. After all, when you look at your friends’ Facebook profiles, they’re often painting a sugar-coated version of events, which makes you feel like you’re doing worse than them. Wadsworth points out, ‘We’re usually not looking down and therefore thinking of ourselves as better off; we’re usually looking up and therefore feeling insufficient and inadequate.’ Sex educator and founder of adult shop Bliss For Women, Maureen Matthews, adds that it’s ‘quality, not quantity’ that counts. She notes, ‘People put themselves under pressure and it’s a mistake to associate frequency of sex with success. The sex life you find satisfying is a happy sex life for you. Seeing sex as a competitive sport isn’t helpful.’
In fact, Matthews asserts that if your focus is on sex and whether you’re having more than your friends, it can cause problems down the road when events begin to disrupt your sex life. ‘Having a baby, your body changing and ill health can impact on sex,’ she warns. ‘And a relationship can go into rocky waters if the happiness of that relationship is defined by sex.’ Kylie Dunjey, senior manager and counsellor with Relationships Australia, asks, ‘People often don’t tell you the facts, so how valid are comparisons?’ Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dunjey recommends that you focus on you as a couple, and take an honest look at your own sex life. ‘The starting point is asking, ‘Is it good enough?’ she advises. ‘What’s going on in everyone else’s bedroom counts for little. Is your sex life good enough for you? What matters is that you’re both happy with sexual frequency.’
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