If you’re in a long-term relationship, sexual health can get put on the back burner. Sure, you’re in love and closer than ever, but you’re not trying to impress each other anymore, and things can get a bit stale. Ask any long-term couple about their sexual wellness, and you’ll probably hear something along the lines of ‘It’s not as hot as it used to be, but I guess it’s still pretty good.’ Pat Love, PhD, the author of Hot Monogamy and The Truth about Love, explains that it’s normal for every couple to experience waning sexual passion. However, your sexual wellbeing may be different to your partner’s.
About 18 months into a relationship, many couples experience desire discrepancy — or when one partner has a greater sex drive than the other, says Love. This imbalance occurs once you’re out of the infatuation stage, and is why sex often goes from hot to cold in committed relationships. However, the good news is that you can get your sexual desire back in sync with your partner. Love explains that all you need to do is appreciate and respond to ‘your partner’s language of love,’ because ‘the way to get what you want is to give what your partner desires.’ While you may express love by buying gifts for your partner, for example, he/she may actually need you to spend time together, take care of annoying tasks or express your feelings vocally. Love comments, ‘You have to honour the reality and experience of the other. You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, “I love you” to your partner.’
That said, Susan Townsend, director of the Relationship Enrichment centre in Towson, Maryland, points out that first you have to be able to talk about sex, and that’s where couples often hit a brick wall. Let’s face it; we’re British and we don’t like talking about sex, so often couples don’t say anything or say things in such a way that it closes off communication. Let’s say you want more kissing during foreplay. In order to relate this desire, you tell your partner, “You know, you never really kiss me enough.” That is not a desire; it’s a criticism. A better way to word it would be, “I’ve been thinking. Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend more time kissing first.” Townsend notes, ‘You wouldn’t believe the leap in sexual communication when people start saying, ‘Instead of doing…, I’d rather you do…’
After you say your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner then needs to repeat it back to you to make sure they’ve understood you correctly. You make corrections until he/she gets it right, and then thank your partner for hearing you. Following on from this, you ask your partner if he/she is willing to make that change, and he/she can reply with a “yes” or “no” or agree if certain conditions are met. This communication technique is known as “mirroring” and creates a deeper level of emotional intimacy, which often leads to greater sexual passion. You may not always get what you want, but you’ll have a much better chance of getting your desires met if you learn to transform your criticisms into requests.
Once you’ve mastered this technique, sex expert Lana Holstein, MD, author of How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection, says it’s time to make a contract. The fatigue and grind of daily life bury even the best sexual intentions, which is why Holstein recommends couples contract ‘a deal for sexual wealth’ to create a ‘good sex division’ of their relationship. Holstein explains, ‘We don’t always feel “in the mood,” but usually after we’re … into it, we’re glad to be there and often relieved.’
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