Why do you let other people’s rules dictate your sexual wellbeing? If you want to initiate sex, have a quickie or share your fantasies, you shouldn’t let some sort of silly rule get in the way. Here are the old rules for sexual wellness, as well as some experts’ and readers’ take on why they’re complete rubbish.
1. The best sex lasts for hours: Sure, people say they want to “go all night” but in truth, great sex can be as short – or as long – as you want. I mean, who has the time for hours and hours of sex on a regular basis? Life gets in the way of your sexual health sometimes – that’s just the way of it – so you need to grab opportunities for great sex whenever you can find them. Elizabeth, 36, notes, ‘Fast sex can be amazing. Maybe we have 10 minutes before the kids come home, or five minutes in the kitchen before guests arrive – suddenly we’re discovering how to have sex on the big chopping-block island, and it’s very exciting.’ If you’re thinking you can have satisfaction out of a quickie, sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, points out, ‘When women masturbate, they’re often able to achieve orgasms quite quickly. So there’s no reason why they shouldn’t sometimes be able to experience arousal as quickly as men during partner sex.’ Just don’t be afraid to take charge and do whatever you know you need to have an orgasm.
2. He makes the first move: This is silly; it’s perfectly ok for you to pounce on him once in a while – in fact, he’d love it! Kerner argues, ‘Men love women taking the lead. In fact, in this post-Sex and the City era, they’re expecting that kind of empowerment.’ Jenny, 35, recalls, ‘My husband is always the one to tug me toward the bedroom, and I’ve come to rely on his actions to get my motor running, but one evening, after putting the baby to bed, I walked up to my husband, grabbed his collar with both hands and pulled him in for the kiss of a lifetime – including full-body press and roving hands. He was so turned on by my assertiveness, the sex was amazing. That role swap was like an erotic awakening for both of us.’ Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York City sex therapist and author of Fearless Sex, enthuses, ‘Becoming the initiator is a very sexy and powerful feeling that no woman should miss out on.’
3. Fantasies belong in your head: You may feel a little bit embarrassed about your naughty thoughts, but sharing fantasies can be a great way to connect with your partner in and out of the bedroom. Kerner admits, ‘People worry about being judged: Am I normal? Is she going to think I’m a freak?’ but sharing your fantasies can open you both up to new ideas, and fuel your libido in the process. Patti Britton, PhD, certified sex educator and co-author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Massage, adds, ‘Plus, it’s an excellent way to create real intimacy and trust.’ Start by reading and looking at erotica together, Kerner recommends: ‘Once you’re comfortable discussing your turn-ons through other people’s fantasies, then you can begin to explore your own.’ Christine, 34, comments, ‘I was scared to suggest we share our secret sexual thoughts. I didn’t have those racy scenarios of dirty doctor and innocent nurse or the lusty librarian, and it made me feel so tame. One night, though, I started dreamily saying to my husband, “Wouldn’t it be so nice if we were in a cabana on some tropical island…” and he picked it up with something like, “…and our skin is so warm and toasty and I kiss you under the sun.” We both added lines to the tale, creating the most sensual, sexy story, that it got us both fired up.’
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