They say that, for a healthy sex life, there’s no harm in a bit of fantasising, and sharing those fantasies with you partner. But what exactly are sexual fantasies, how do they occur and how to they impact your sexual health and wellbeing? The Sinclair Intimacy Institute states, ‘Sexual fantasy refers to the mental image of a person, object, or situation, often but certainly not always involving a sexual component. Human sexuality is a dimension of social life that is often rich with many different sorts of fantasies. Sexual fantasies often entail mental scenarios involving persons other than one’s regular partner and include sexual activities considered culturally inappropriate or unacceptable.’
So why do some people have multiple, complicated sexual fantasies, while others don’t fantasise at all? According to the Sinclair Intimacy Institute, ‘People vary considerably in their ability to fantasise and in their enjoyment of this behaviour. Fantasies may supplant reality for some or may serve as a poor substitute of sexual reality for others. Fantasies are often triggered by external stimuli, such as an attractive stranger or an erotic picture, movie, or story.’ If looking at erotica, then, is a main trigger of sexual fantasies, does that mean that men are more likely to have outrageous sexual fantasies than women? Let’s take a look at the gender differences in sexual fantasies:
1. Male Sexual Fantasies: ‘In Western societies, males more often use sexually explicit material as a part of fantasy,’ the Sinclair Intimacy Institute explains. ‘The male fantasy world relies heavily upon novel experiences filled with culturally-defined beautiful women who are always sexually available and free. Pornographic magazines such as Playboy and Penthouse, as well as a wide array of so-called harder publications (because they depict explicit sex acts), attempt to capitalize upon such fantasies.’
2. Female Sexual Fantasies: ‘Females are more likely to prefer erotica with a “softer,” more imaginative side rather than the “harder,” more explicit forms preferred by many males,’ says the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. ‘Women often base their fantasies upon previous sexual experiences and tend to emphasize romance and intimacy. The onset of the women’s liberation movement has created a renaissance in erotic fiction aimed at women by women writers and film makers.’ In fact, in her book Women On Top, Nancy Friday maintains that women have started a sexual revolution for equality and should implement it with a rich fantasy life.
So when are you more likely to fantasise? The Sinclair Intimacy Institute notes, ‘People generally fantasise when engaging in autoerotic sex or masturbation. In his research findings, the prominent sexologist Alfred C. Kinsey reported that fantasy accompanied masturbation for the majority (64%) of females and virtually all males. About 2% of the women in his study sample reported achieving orgasm by fantasy alone. Older females were more prone to fantasise than younger females. Some people, particularly but not solely those from rural areas, have fantasies about sexual contact with animals.’
So if you have a fantasy about a particular sexual practice or activity, does that mean you want that fantasy to become reality? The Sinclair Intimacy Institute argues, ‘While fantasy may enhance actual sexual practices, it should not be assumed that a fantasised behaviour represents an unconscious desire. Thus, some women fantasise about being overpowered or even raped by a man, but this does not mean they actually want to be raped. Similarly, some men fantasise about multiple sexual partners, but would find it emotionally difficult to maintain several simultaneous relationships.’ Fantasies, then, are a way to explore your sexuality within the safety of your own imagination, so you don’t necessarily have to try them out in real life.
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