Feeling desirable and connected in your relationship are not just sexual health issues; they impact your emotional wellbeing and your overall relationship wellness – not just its sexual side. Being naked and vulnerable together, with your partner seeing all your lumps and bumps and still getting turned on (and vice versa), is crucial to strengthening you as a couple and in your own sense of self.
One of the most common arguments couples have in this area is over who initiates sex more. Although your partner may ravish you once things get going, it can still be disheartening when you’re the one who always has to put yourself out there, and he never feels the urge to try it on. However, although it always feels like you’re the one who always starts things in motion, it’s dangerous to use words like “always” and “never”. True, one of you might initiate sex more often than the other one does, but overcoming the initiation argument begins when both people stop keeping score. You need to communicate openly and honestly about whatever frustration exists and apply it toward building solutions together.
The common practice of faking an orgasm might seem like you’re doing something nice for his feelings, but this is one of the most common blocks to a shared orgasmic experience. Research shows that up to 60% of women have shouted “oh-oh-oh” when they’re getting nothing but “no-no-no” – but let’s not forget that men can fake it too. There are complex reasons for faking an orgasm – be it because you have issues with confidence, performance, intimacy or vulnerability – but they all lead to the same upsetting outcome: a breach in trust. By faking an orgasm, you are lying to your partner, which means they cannot trust the messages you give off when they’re trying to love and bring pleasure to you. Not only does this affect their sexual confidence, but breaching trust at this deeply naked level of vulnerability can only seep into the other aspects of your relationship.
You may be under the misconception that your pleasure doesn’t matter, and so you don’t speak up because – in your eyes – nothing’s wrong. Alternately, your search for that mysterious and powerful orgasmic release is getting frustrating (in more ways that one!) and you don’t want to burden your partner with that same tiresome pursuit. However, not only is your sexual pleasure a) important and b) important to your partner, having a real conversation about the issue can actually be sexy. By talking to your partner about this most deeply held desire, you are communicating that you are invested in and trust your partner enough to be vulnerable about this.
In fact, the majority of men find it more pleasurable and confidence-boosting to help a woman they love have an orgasm than climaxing themselves. There’s no more intimate form of sharing than working together to help one of you reach an orgasm – it changes everything in your relationship. The main stumbling block most couples face is finding a language to talk about sexuality but, as in any other area of wellness development, the key thing to remember is clarity. Start by thinking about your personal sexual history and orgasmic experiences, and share them with one another. This can help you to discern what works and what doesn’t, so that – together – you can find a solution. Setting a few shared goals can also be helpful. Whatever you do, just remember to communicate in YOUR way so that neither of you is put off by hearing the person they love talk like a therapist.
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