Does your husband have a habit of avoiding answering even the most simple of questions? Does he leave a room during a conversation? These seemingly inconsiderate actions may not work wonders for your sense of mental wellbeing, but – puzzling though it is – wellness experts assert that he may be listening after all. It may be that your husband wants to avoid a fight, and your apparently simple question seemed to him like you were getting ready to rumble. According to psychologist Jamie Turndorf, PhD, author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, ‘Men have a fight-or-flight instinct when it comes to conflict…he feels attacked and flees, either physically or verbally, by refusing to engage in the argument. The more you react, the more he’ll retreat, until you both find yourselves at a standstill.’ So how do you cure his case of husband withdrawal syndrome?
1. Don’t Be Accusatory: Sexual health and wellness writer Anna Davies notes, ‘For a guy who’s afraid of conflict, even an innocent-sounding question can seem like a test. So if you have a request, voice it in a way that gives him a chance to succeed. Instead of asking, “Have you taken out the garbage yet?” say, “If you haven’t already, would you mind putting out the garbage when you take the dog for a walk?” It’s a simple switch that makes it clear that you’re not looking for an argument—you’re just enlisting his help in getting a chore done.’
2. Treat Him Like an Acquaintance: ‘A recent study found that strangers sometimes communicate better than couples,’ notes Davies. ‘Imagine you were telling a colleague where the work gang was headed to happy hour. You’d give her specific directions—or send her a Google map. But if you were sharing the same info with your guy, you might say something like, “It’s that place where we went for Nadine’s 30th birthday.” The less specific you are, the more room there is for error—and anger. And if you feel a miscommunication creeping up as you and he are talking, gently make sure that you’re on the same page.’
3. Be a Problem-Solver: ‘Sometimes, you have good reason to be mad,’ Davies asserts. ‘How do you tell him without him shutting down? Say you have 7pm dinner reservation, but he saunters into the house at 7:05 (grr!). Take a few deep breaths and see if you can diffuse the situation by telling him that his tardiness means he’s on the hook for making the arrangements the next time you two go out. Setting up a reward and punishment system for bad behaviour may sound like something you’d do for your preschooler, but it takes the focus off him and puts it onto the behaviour. Later, once everyone’s calmed down, tell your husband how you feel when he’s late—whether it’s like he doesn’t respect you, or it makes you worry about him. Whatever it is, keep the focus on you, and follow up by asking him how you can help.’
4. Be Aware of Where You’re Coming From: Turndorf points out that the things that tick you off most in your romantic relationship are likely to be things that echo bad feelings from your childhood. Davies explains, ‘Being aware that you always get pissed when people are late because you remember being the last kid left on the playground when school let out may sound silly, but it’s also a legitimate part of your history. Letting your guy know why certain behaviours peeve you—and allowing him to share his thoughts as well—makes it clear to both of you that it’s the behaviour, not him, that drives you nuts. That’s helpful when it comes to figuring out ways to not let it happen again.’
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