According to psychotherapist Joyce Marter, ‘A client once said to me, “I’m nervous to talk with my wife about my sexual needs, because you are the only person who knows that part of my life.” This statement struck me as wildly paradoxical. How could I, a person with whom my client has a strictly professional relationship, know more about his sexual life than the woman with whom he has sex?’ Most of us are embarrassed to talk to our partners about sex. You might divulge a few tid bits to your friends, or speak to a professional, but to actually discuss sexual health with the person you’re having sex with? No thank you! However, talking about sex won’t only improve your sexual wellbeing; it may also save your relationship wellness.
Marter explains, ‘After nearly 20 years of counselling individuals and couples, it is clear that there is also a “chicken and egg” relationship between sex and relationship problems. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which came first. Some couples are sexually disconnected because of a relationship issues and others have interpersonal conflict that stems from sexual problems. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter which is addressed first, as long as there is a shared, open and courageous attempt to resolve their issues.’ But how do you actually do that? Luckily, Marter has shared her top tips for improving your sex life:
1. Stop, Meditate and Listen: Marter recommends, ‘Quiet your mind via meditation and ask the deeper self within what you desire sexually. Notice any negative thoughts or beliefs that induce fear, guilt or shame – breathe them out and let them go. Replace them with a mantra such as, “I am a sexual being and deserve a gratifying sexual life.”’
2. Write it Down: ‘Write down the issues that are preventing you from having the sexual life you want,’ Marter instructs. ‘Create a plan for how to address and resolve those issues. (For example, talk with your doctor about your medication side effects, hit the gym to feel sexier, get in couples therapy about your relationship issues, seek individual therapy about your addiction to porn, carve out time for coupling, etc.)’
3. Connect Your Mind and Body: Marter advises, ‘Because many people are overly focused on their minds, connect with your body through exercise, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness techniques to increase body awareness and subsequently improve your sexual experiences. Take care of yourself so you feel desirable and confident.’
4. Accentuate Your Relationship: ‘Detach from the imperfections we all have physically and focus on your sense of aliveness within’ says Marter. ‘And the passionate energy exchange between you and your partner. Avoid magazines and media with harmful messages about body image.’
5. COMMUNICATE: ‘Find your voice and dig up the courage to talk with you partner(s) about your sexual feelings, needs and desires,’ Marter encourages. ‘Be open and honest. Ask your partner what he or she wants (detach from judgment and defensiveness). Be open in your communication and aim to be a good lover (like karma, this will come back at you). Use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements to decrease defensiveness (e.g., “I desire more oral sex” vs. “You never go down on me.”) Similar to parenting and management, sexual communication requires that you give three positive statements for every piece of negative feedback (“I love when you do this, this and this, but am not really loving that…”).’
6. Experiment Together: Marter suggests, ‘Connect with your partner through music, art, dance, poetry, nature, food, and other shared sensual experiences that will set the tone for intimacy and connection. Be open to new experiences and talk openly without judgment.’
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